The Best British Jokes - Get Ready to ROFL!

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

I found £20. I'm not going to spend it all but I will party like its £19.99.

Nowadays everyone has tables and chairs outside and they call it a patio.
We did that back in the 1950’s but we called it eviction.

What is the difference between a set of bagpipes and a two stroke moped? You can tune the moped.

Scottish Joke
Two cows in the field which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf ….

Anyone can pick a pickle
but only an Englishman can Pick-a-dilly.

My Grandad fought with Churchill...
no not Winston....
The insurance company !

I just want to let people know that I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition....

Bloke goes into Tesco and asks "Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"
Sales assistant says "Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."
"Why’s that?" he asks
She replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

Someone removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire.
The police are currently looking for Leeds.

What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Whilst waiting at the bus stop,
someone asked me,
“how long is the next bus”?
“mmmm about 38 feet” I replied

My son accused me of living in the past.

I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his way.

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
Avvapooie.

I went to the flea market today. After looking at all the stalls, I left disappointed. They didn't have any.....

Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

You can usually tell when it’s summer in Britain because the rain is warmer.

So I got mugged at Victoria station and I started crying.
Then a policeman came up to me and said: "I’m fining you £10".
I said: "For crying out loud".
He said: "Yes".

What’s red and goes beep beep beep?
The Manchester United open top bus being reversed into the garage for another year.

What do we want?
Northern Irish accents.
When do we want them?
Noy.

The British sailed around the globe in search of spices, and once they found them, for some odd reason they didnt bother to use them on their food.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:
"Elsie, are you here?"
"Aye, am here luv."
"Are the kids here?"
"Yes, ur children are all here.'
"Are mi grandkids here?"
"Yes grandad, we are all here."
Then why is t’light in t’kitchen still on?!

I never claimed to be perfect. That would be conceited, and if I were conceited I wouldn’t be perfect!

Lady to cockney in London. “ how do I get to
the the Albert hall please “ cockney answers, “
Practice lady, practice. “

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both.

We were that poor when we were young, our parents used to dilute water to make it last longer.

I was thinking of having a tattoo.
then I realised I don't have enough space and I don't like bagpipes.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

"Number 61, your time's up"
"We only have 20 boats, Jimmy."
"Number 19, do you require assistance?"

Shop customer to owner, "Hi, I'm Mrs Bell". Ah, replied the shop owner, "You must be the one who rang earlier".

I once had a date with a Welsh girl.
She said, "Do you want to come back to mine?"
I said, "Yes,"
and spent the next 10 hours digging up coal.

Two ducks are crossing the road in Belfast. One duck says: “Quack”. The other duck replies: “I’m goin’ as quack as I can”!

This bloke stopped me in the village today and said..
"What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life"..?
I said... "No not yet"...

Despite the recent rises in the cost of living...
it still remains very popular!

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

I love the Welsh summer, apparently this year it’s on a Tuesday...

Men who chase skirts in Scotland would get Kilt !

This bloke came up to me in the High street today and said: "Have you got a light mate?"
I said: "Yes, his name is Tony and he weighs about 6 stone 2 pounds".

Teacher to pupil,
Where's the English Channel?
Pupil, I don't know,
My TV doesn't pick it up.

Habe you seen the price of elastic bands? I just can't stretch to it.

What does a donkey get for lunch at Blackpool?
Half an hour.

So I rang the Royal Mint. I was very disappointed. It seems they only do one flavour.

Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom.

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 d's
in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called E-war woo-war...

Last time I was in London I said to a passer by "Excuse me, how do I get to Paddington?"

"I would steal his marmalade sandwiches...That should work" he replied

I just saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on...
I shouted: "Are you a Superhero...?"
He said: "No, I haven't paid for my haircut...!!!"

A 3ft tall man knocked at my door this morning.
I said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I'm the meter man".

How does a tailor moorhis boat to the jetty?
He uses a bow tie.

What is a grudge?
Its where a Scotsman keeps his car.

- My wife got mugged in Australia.....
- Perth?
- Yeth and her driving lithenth and thell phone.

Two Rusian guys
moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.
They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.
First Russian , "Paul was handsome and tall."
The police said, "Most English men are like that. Give us something specific."
2nd Russian, "Paul had blue eyes and was very fair."
The Police said, "C'mon guys, lots of English men are fair and have blue eyes, give us something specific."
Both Russian , "Oh yes ... now we remember ... Paul had two holes in his ass."
The policemen get really interested. They said, "Now that's something very specific, but tell us, how do you know this? Have you guys seen the two holes in his ass?"
Both said,
"No we haven’t actually seen the holes, but wherever we went out with Paul, everyone used to say ... ..."Here comes Paul with the two assholes!"

Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.

Why shouldn’t you mock a short person who’s not very bright?
Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.

I was in Oxford Street, London the other day when a tourist stopped me and asked the best way to Selfridges?
I told him to put them on eBay!

Have seen a lot of buses going to Not in Service.
Any one know were it is?