Hilarious friendship jokes - about friends, mates, buddies and bros !

A friend of mine is a civil engineer. Well, he wouldn't be a friend if he wasn't civil.

Just made a bet with my friend about who would get married first.
He said “may the best man win.”
I said “I’m not sure that’s how this works mate.”

Ever looked at your bestfriend and thought -why aren't we comedians-?

I gave my friend a peach. He said, "Thanks, but I would rather have a pear." So I gave him another peach.

I have a friend that's a pilot although when we're together, I usually drive because it takes him 45 minutes to back out of the driveway.

A friend of mine asked if I wanted to join her at a mind-reading workshop. I don’t know what she was thinking!

My mate was upset when i told him he has really soft hands, no hard feelings though.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn’t remember a lot.

Friend: I'm trying to scare away a crow with a gun.
Me: How did a crow get a gun?

I thought my friend was joking when he said he dressed up as the next nearest star to our planet.
But he’s Sirius.

Some friends left us a rubber plant when they moved away.
The rubber plant looked like it was going to die, so I put plant food in the soil, watered it with tender loving care, and put it in a serene corner of the house.
After a few weeks the rubber plant bounced right back.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me why his camouflage sword was so good, but I just couldn't see his point.

My crane driver mate says he is going to break up with his girlfriend, he's going to let her down easy.

A friend of mine’s dog died. So, I got her another one. She wasn’t impressed. In fact she said, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” Sometimes, you try and you try, but it’s just not appreciated.

I was once friends with a taxidermist but I had to break it off. He kept trying to mount and stuff me.

I have a friend who collects clocks. She says it's a great hobby, if you have the time

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
I'm homeless now.

Why did the duck stroke his friend's back?

He was feeling down!

My mate Dave went to the doctors yesterday. The doctor said “And how can I help you today Dave?”

“Well doctor” said Dave “I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.”

“How bad is it?” said the doctor

“It comes in waves.” replied Dave

I ran into an old friend the other day . She is still in the hospital recovering.

When’s the worst time to get a heart attack?
When you’re playing Charades with a group of friends,
and it’s your turn!

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

I feel bad for my Friend!
He Builds Spiral Staircases!
His business is so Up and Down, all Around!

A friend's pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

10 years ago I married my best friend.
The wife was really cross, but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective.
We call him Sherlock Ohms.

I was so good at doing magic tricks as a teenager that most of my friends disappeared.

Just had a walk and met an old mate !
I said why have you got a fried egg on your head?
He said the hard boiled ones keep rolling off !!

My friends love scaring the crap out of me.

With friends like that who needs enemas?

A man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife and stabs him to death... His wife says carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!!!

Asked my mate if he’d ever had a blow job, he said yes. I said what do they taste like?

Me and my mate are so crap at pool that we played each other and we both lost .

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

I was recently visited by a childhood friend and his new fiance. As the night got late she finally said "Come on Cowboy, let's head back to the hotel."
My friend leaned over and explained, "She calls me Cowboy 'cause I'm from Texas."
Without pausing at all she stated firmly "No, I call him Cowboy because he thinks 8 seconds is a good ride."

My friend will be interviewing for a job as a carpenter...
I hope he nails it.

I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 phone numbers."

He said, "That's good!"

I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other fuckin 8 numbers !!."

A mate's Dad died in a boating accident in Venice.
I offered my gondolances.

I told my friend people keep asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

My mate Col got killed by a cabbage someone threw out an appartment window.Its now a criminal offence. Cols law.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends.

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl
Friend: Who?
Me: [narrows eyes]

My mate is a dyslexic pervert he sends women pictures of his duck!

A friend of mine wanted a bigger home for his growing family, so he sold his bungalow and bought a house, but that’s another storey.

My mate said he’s the 1st person in the world to have a pigs heart as a transplant I said “that’s very interesting, it’s amazing what they can do now, were there any side effects & when did you have the Op?” He said “no there was no side effects and I’ve had the heart about a weeeeek”

I have a friend that works in a clock factory.
He gets paid to stand around and make faces all day.

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

Never be friends with an undertaker...they always let you down in the end!

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He's now a pas de deux.

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

Just made a bet with my friend about who would get married first.
He said “may the best man win.”
I said “I’m not sure that’s how this works mate.”

My friend said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"
“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

How do you make new mates?
*Asking for a friend.*