Hilarious Criminal Jokes That Will Really Make Your Day !

Random criminal joke:

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

Criminal Jokes meme.
Criminal Jokes meme.

100% Guilt-Free Laughter. - Updated: 2024-05-25.

Selected criminal jokes:

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area.
It’s my pros and cons list.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

More criminal jokes...

What do you call people who hate long sentences?

I've decided to become an assassin.

I heard they make a killing.

I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.

I just saw a burglar kicking in his own door.
- He must have been working from home!

I was speaking to a guy who had just robbed a bank today. He said, "It was easy, I just walked through the door with a gun in my hand."

I said "Was it a revolver?"

"No, it was just a normal door." He replied.

I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.

As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.

But I just left him hanging.

Someone donated one kidney, he is a hero.
I donated five and I was arrested.

Man charged with public urination to be tried by a jury of his pee-ers.

Q: Why did the thief wear blue gloves?
A: So he couldn't be caught red handed.

A man who was falsely accussed of stealing salt from a supermarket seemed visibly shaken.

A burglar broke into a plumbing company. The cops had to flush him out!

Applied for a job as a Hitman today. The hours suck, but it has killer benefits.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s nice to be wanted. I just didn’t want to be on a wanted list.

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

A man arrested for a pot plant at the plant that he worked claimed it was planted!

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.

The robbers jumped in their vehicle, went through the car wash, and made a clean getaway.

I'm such an introvert that I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him.

I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.

FUN Fact:
In 2006, an Australian man attempted to sell New Zealand on eBay. The bidding reached $3,000 before eBay shut it down.

The bomb failed to ignite, and the police worked to get the suspect to surrender, but he kept “ re-fusing”.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

I had my toothbrush stolen today.
The thief said ‘Hand it over, Oral-B mad’

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

If you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent/food bills for several years – whether or not you get caught.

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.

I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.

I asked my blind date, when was the last time that someone opened a door for you ... she said,when I got ARRESTED.

Someone has been stealing t-shirts locally in order of size. Apparently he’s still at large.

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?
Because they never finish their sentences.

I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Why do criminals make great softball pitchers?
They're naturally underhanded...

Where did the sheep from Boston end up after he robbed the farmer? Behind baaas!

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?
A smoothie criminal.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?
When your lawyer has a lawyer.

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."
Now he's behind bars.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?
"Stop resisting a rest!"

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.
Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.
Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

More criminal jokes on the following pages...

SEE also - PEOPLE, folks & countries Jokes - funny people all around the world:

Remember, laughter knows no boundaries. It connects us all - people, folks, and countries alike. Get ready to chuckle, giggle, and burst into fits of laughter as we dive into a hilarious world of jokes that knows no boundaries, we'll bring you rib-tickling jokes from all corners of the globe. Stay tuned as we unleash a wave of hilarity that will have people from all walks of life laughing together.