Random friendship joke:
My mates wife said she was leaving him because he is obsessed with football.
He asked her is it a temporary or permanent transfer.
Selected friendship jokes:
My friends love scaring the crap out of me.
With friends like that who needs enemas?
So, what do you call a check written out to one of your friends?
Check Mate.
Lady was telling her friend she didn't like the new slim cut bikini bottom: " It's not all it's cracked up to be."
My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.
More friendship jokes...
I don't have many friends, but at least there's that Nigerian Prince.
Friend of mine puts blood, sweat and tears into everything he does. Great guy, awful chef.
I Had A Threesome With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."
My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio.
Jumping to conclusions.
My friend got arrested for illegally shipping mats from Zimbabwe. They arrested him for being a rug dealer.
Friend: “When can I come and see the baby?”
Me: “3am would be really helpful. Thanks.”
A friend of mine accidently stepped on a mouse trap in the dark and cut off his toe. The doctor reattached it. He used a toe nail.
My friend wanted to be on a boat, surrounded by salt water, but had very little money in her budget. We came up with a saline solution.
My friend and I are having an argument about the best type of sunglasses. The issue is very polarizing.
My friend says he’s finally going to teach me how to swim, but I’m not holding
my breath.
My mate just rang me and said, What are you doing at the moment?
I said, Probably failing my driving test.
Friend : "Wanna hang out ?"
Me : "Let me ask my mum."
Friend : "But you're 25.."
Me : "She said no."
I was leaning on the fence talking to my friend, when suddenly he evaporated. I tell you, that guy is really going to be mist.
My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.
So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
I asked my gluten intolerant friend about their favorite bread dough. It is "No need".
You can pick your friends, and pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friends nose without consent.
My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
When ever my mate gets angry he goes up to his loft and plays his bongos.
It's a little drum attic.
Yesterday I told a friend a joke about the speed of a cruise ship. His reply: “That’s knot funny!”
A friend couldn’t tie his shoelaces, so I’ve sent him to boot camp.
A man killed his best friend.
He was charged with homiecide.
Lady was telling her friend she didn't like the new slim cut bikini bottom: " It's not all it's cracked up to be."
My friends and I started an emo salsa band.
We call ourselves HisPanic at the Disco.
A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant!
Ask how?
He punctured all my сondoms with a pin.
Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.
The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.
My friend lost his marijuana garden when someone weeded it out.
I gave my friend a peach. He said, "Thanks, but I would rather have a pear." So I gave him another peach.
I was talking to a friend, and he told me his wife was a broad.
I looked at him and said that's pretty disrespectful.
He replied not really, she loves travelling overseas.
A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.
My friend said she wanted the two of us to hang out naked with grizzlies. "What?" I said, confused. She said, "Bear with me!"
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
A friend was complaining his wife never wanted to have sex anymore...l told him if your wife can't be your right hand let your right hand be your wife...
I have friends that could finish my sentences, but if they did that, we wouldn't be friends.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.
A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.
I was such an unlikeable child that even my imaginary friend talked about me behind my back.
I told my friend about my boating accident.
He asked me if l was in the boat when the boat tipped over.
I told him no, l was in the water...
A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.
What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution? To make new friends.
These days my circle of friends is more like a dot.
My mate asked me "Who was that lady i seen you with?"
I corrected him "I saw".
He replied "Ok, who was that eyesore i seen you with?"
My imaginary friends are arguing over who has to sit by me.
Friend: My goal is to finish two marathons next year!
Me: My goal is to finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My buddies and I are opening a chiropractor business.
We're calling it the Back Straight Boys.
I asked a friend how it was going down at the National Ambidextrous Society. He said people are joining left and right.
Our friend said he's changed his mind. We hope the new one will work better.
friend: you should try to be less panicky and more spontaneous
me: omg when
friend: you should try to be more spontaneous.
me: *opening planner* when.
Shoes are so lucky. Every shoe has a sole mate.