Random parents joke:
Being on social media is like having sex.
It's fun until you know your parents do it too.
Selected parents jokes:
We have parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when my wife wasn't home.
Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.
Once you’re a parent, all plans you make are just tentative until they’re happening
Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.
More parents jokes...
You know you’re getting old when your parents start disappointing you, instead of you disappointing them.
Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.
Once you’re a parent, all plans you make are just tentative until they’re happening
Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for example.
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
Learn from your parent’s mistake… Use birth control.
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"
General Lee didn't have children?
Yoda: A parent Lee not.
Dating an older person is cool until they break your heart and you be like "" I trusted you like a parent""
My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...
I was his little squirt.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
I never want to have a threesome,
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
So excited. My parents gifted me a parcel of land.
That means a lot.
What would you call a child born to bi parents?
A byproduct.
Me: Are You Bi ?
Her: Yeah, i am.
Me: Have you told your parents ?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking ?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood:
Enough is never enough.
The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
Birthday parties always end in tears.
Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, or hysteria.
My parents were really poor.
On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.
My wife wanted to disgrace me in front of her parents that I'm not good in sex.
But her sister shouted
" It's A Lie ".
When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me.
I was never scared though, I loved disco music.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me. So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My parents didn’t earn much money when I was growing up, so we had to live in a teapot.
I know what you’re thinking, pour me.
Everyone makes mistakes. Like your parents for example
[Detective shows me a picture of a suspect]
-“Have you seen this man? Goes by the name of ‘Stephen’ with a ‘ph’.”
-“Why?”
-“That’s how his parents spelt it.”
I'm jealous of my parents...
I'll never have a kid as cool as them.
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book"
—Cicero, 43 BCE
Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.
Dad: Son you're adopted
Me: Wow, I wonder who my real parents are?
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.
I'm jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.
I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents.
- Elon Musk
I'm really excited whenever my tweet gets two likes. It's not every day I amuse both my parents.
“I was raised by books. Books, and then my parents”
- Elon Musk
Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!
We have parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when my wife wasn't home.
I'm so glad my parents named me Paul (because that's what EVERYONE calls me)!
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.
Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.
By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.
When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.
Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary?
The chances are that if your parents didn’t get pregnant, you won’t either.
When Chuck Norris parents has a nightmare they ask Chuck Norris if they can spend a night in his room.
When you are no longer covered by your parents health insurance, it means that your manufacturer’s warranty has expired.
I asked my parents if I was adopted,
they said yes but they sent you back.
Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!