Jokes about cops, police and criminals.

All the victims were either deaf, dumb or blind...
A police spokesperson said they were senseless crimes.

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Police: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Perp: No. Sorry. It's a shame you've forgotten so soon. Maybe your department has remedial memory training or something.

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

Officer: “Have you been drinking?”
Jim: “Absolutely not!!”
Officer: “Can you say the alphabet starting with ‘M’ ”?
Jim: “Malphabet.”

A priest calls the police because a dead pig lies in front of the church.
The police arrive and one of the officers sarcastically remarks I thought that priests took care of the dead.
The priest answers You’re right about that but we always notify the family first.

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

A COP STARTED CRYING WHILE HE WAS WRITING ME A TICKET,I ASKED HIM WHY?,HE SAID ITS A "MOVING" VIOLATION!!!

There's been a fight in a mall involving a man in a suit made of mirrors. The police gave the man a chance to sit down and reflect.

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.

They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

The cop grilled the cheese but no matter how you slice it the cheese wasn't talking.

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?
Because he was killing the dance floor.

A frightened man goes to the FBI head office and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police,” said the front desk.

The man replied: “I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

“What’s this? Will it cure my hangover??” I asked.
“It’s a breathlyzer, sir,” replied the cop. “Please step out of your vehicle.”

I wonder how Cops on bicycles arrest people.

" Ok you, get in the basket!"

Officer: You get one phone call.

Me: Can I text?

My pencil was stolen.
The police have opened a pencil case...

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.

Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered.
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins.

When a cop tells you to “spread ‘em” he is not flirting.
I know this now.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

Wife got pulled over for speeding ,she tells the cop , hey aren't you the cop who doesn't give tickets to PRETTY women ? Yes I am,now sign here.

All the victims were either deaf, dumb or blind...
A police spokesperson said they were senseless crimes.

I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

Police are hunting a mad woman known as the "knitting needle killer". She's killed 8 people so far. Police think she's following a pattern...

I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.

I was robbed at the gas station today!

I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it?

I said yes, pump #6.

What did the nurse say when she was asked why the sheriff didn't get sick but his second in command did?
I Shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.

Police have arrested a man on suspicion of stealing a sign saying "and Emergency". He claims he found it by Accident.

Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

A friend got arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while and then let him go.

A cop pulled me over (again!) and when he was going to give me a ticket I asked, "Couldn't you just give me a warning?". He got really mad and replied, "A warning? You want a warning? I'm warning you not to do that again or I will give you another ticket!"

COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

In the local police station and saw an officer with three stripes eating a trifle. He was the custardy sergeant.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.
They're hoping to catch him before he strikes again..

The adhesive factory was burgled last night, police say the thieves left no glues.

Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air... then you wave them like you just don’t care.

I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

My wife was just involved in a car crash, she told the police that the man was on his phone and drinking a can of larger, the police said he can do whatever he likes in his own house.

C. Hello ma'am can I take your name please.
M. Yes its Freeta
C. And your last name?
M. It is Gow
C. So you are Freeta gow?
M. Thank you, bye

Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
My answer: “Depends on how long you been following me.”

Police say they are looking for a man, six feet, who has stolen three pairs of shoes.

Police dogs have not been walked yet.
Detectives are searching for leads.

If the police department has a bbq, is it called a steak-out?

What do you call a policeman in bed?
An undercover cop

Kinda sexy how you put those handcuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: WTF is wrong with you.

Mike,
It says in the paper that the police
are looking for a bank robber with one eye,
Marty, Why don't they use two?

To catch thieves stealing blankets one cop went undercover!

The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.