Get Your Giggle On with Our Top-Rated Ass Jokes.

Just when you think you knew all the possible text abrieviations, then there's these:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse
(_o_) i took it up the arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
and my personal favourite
(_x_) kiss my arse! ...

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! - All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire business man, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence ???!!"

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?
**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:

Teacher: Kids, what comes first.

Students: BOOTY!

Teacher : And whats behind this booty?

Students : Another BOOTY!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?

Students : ME!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind me?

Students : The entire country!!!!!!

The principal is perplexed. "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.

"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking.

Butt dialing and booty calling.
So similar. So different.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty.
They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?
Diggin' for booty.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'.
But I'm on a glute-free diet.

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?
Sunken chest, and no booty.

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that.
A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I've been doing squats so I can get a big booty.
I have asspirations.

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?
Her-ass-mint.

Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.
His name is Kanye West.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.Little Johnny: what are you doing? Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it. Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.

2 old people sitting on a bench, one turns to the other and says, my butt fell asleep.
The other says, yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek ?
Together we can stop this shit.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why did the bum get a slap ?
Because it was being to cheeky.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.