Rude Jokes Galore - Unleashing the Naughty Side of Laughter.

I couldn't find the bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?
There's usually a cunt at one end.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and my thoughts were confirmed, she's just a fat cunt.

Why did the introvert cross the road?
Fuck you leave me alone.

Best yo momma joke??

I'm not saying yo momma a slut.. but she slid you in and out a couple times giving birth!

In my defense, when I said fuck you, I meant it in the most diplomatic, nicest way it could possibly be said.

I will fuck you harder than the tax man.

~ Me flirting

I'm watching Jaws.
I shouldn't really call her that, but she never shuts her fucking mouth.

“Do your research!” is the new “kiss my ass.”

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry.

Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines.
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

"Fuck that shit" is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no".

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

I was a very advanced baby you know, I was walking at three months.

I had no choice the bottom fell out my fucking pram!

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

Just emailed my application into the Local Lonely Hearts Club with a recent photo and they've returned it all saying .........
' We're not that fuckin lonely ' !!!!

I said to the chemist, "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?"

He said, "Why?"

I said, "She keeps fucking waking up."!!!

I saw a guy in the park the other day pinned under a fallen tree.

"Get help!" he shouted.

"Fuck you," I replied, swigging out my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help, I can quit anytime."

Man goes into a pub and says to the barman, “2 pints of fucking lager, and a vodka and coke, you bastard”.
The barman says “You’ve got no chance of getting served with that attitude”. The man says “why”?
The barman says “I will show you how to ask, you get behind the bar and I’ll be the customer”.
The barman says” This is how you should do it”! He then asks “Can i have 2 pints of a lager and a vodka and coke please”?
The man says “Fuck off you wouldn’t serve me”!

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

A drunk man staggers into a hotel and asks the receptionist for key to room 210.

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replied, "but that room is occupied,"

"Not at the moment it isn't" the drunk replied, "I just fell out of the fuckin window."!!

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

Paddy & mick are sat having a pint....A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on,
Paddy says "im gonna do that when i win the lottery" Mick says "wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "no ya silly fecker, send my grass off to be cut...!!!!

I'm at the doctors surgery and they don't know why I have this nasty rash on my balls.

Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients in the waiting room are fuckin clueless !!

My wife called me up to the bedroom earlier, "look what I've found in a cupboard, crotchless panties" she said as she modelled them seductively.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat fucker it was one of my vests !!!

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.!!!

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Fucking Bastards, you can't trust anyone nowadays !!

My wife came home the other day and said,
"What's different about me?"
I said,
"I don't know - what is the difference?
Have you had your hair done?" She said, "No." I said, "Have you got a new dress on?"
She said, "No!" I said, "Have you got a new pair of shoes?"
She said, "No!"I said, "Well what is it? What's different?"
She said, "I'm wearing a fucking gas mask!"

What does a condom and a woman have in common?
If they’re not on the end of your cock they’re in your wallet.

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bastards anything!"

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn’t do either..

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

What's got 12 legs and sounds like a pig?
My wife at KFC.

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied “Screw you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!