Murder Jokes: Killing it with dark humor.

Keep calm and kill people in your mind.

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

President Obama holds the world record for the most children killed by a Nobel peace prize winner.

if you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly, you are evil. morals have aesthetic criteria.

One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.

-- Oscar Godson

UN condemns Israel for killing the Dead Sea.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Mao Zedong banned guns, then he killed 49,000,000 people.

Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT"

Humans: "oh thank god"

Aliens: "wait what?"

I've decided to become an assassin.

I heard they make a killing.

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

When the CIA kills a member of Al-Qaeda, do agents get the day off to mourn the loss of a coworker?

“If you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly you are bad. Morality has aesthetic standards.”

— Nietzsche

Planning kills the magic.

Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add it on our resume.

The old slaves were killed for reading. The new slaves won't read to stay alive.

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus

Historically, disarmament of citizens has almost always led to mass murder or genocide at the hands of corrupt, criminal governments.

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

I killed a female mosquito today. You may imagine how I know it's a female. It was flying close to my pocket.

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.

I've decided to kill off some of the characters in the book I'm writing.
It's really going to spice up my autobiography.

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?
Painkillers are like women..... They know everything.

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Did you hear about the male escort who keeps killing his clients?
They call him Jack the Stripper.

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

So I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

I wouldn’t kill so many house plants if they would just learn to scream for food and water like my kids and pets do.

Did you know how much cocaine
Charlie Sheen used?
It was enough to kill Two and a Half Men!

Applied for a job as a Hitman today. The hours suck, but it has killer benefits.

Kettering's Laws:
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Laws of the Frisbee:
The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")

Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:

Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'