Masturbation Jokes – Dirty Humor About Self-Pleasure.

The CIA can't watch you masturbate, if you never masturbate.

Did you hear about the guy who got into a car accident while masturbating?

The car was fine but he did have a broken shaft.

What is the difference between fish and meat?

If you beat your fish, it will die.

The first rule of Wank Club is:

Never shake hands , with another member of Wank Club.

Masturbation is easy...
Choosing a video is tough :-)

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers
Just stop masturbating.

I masturbate fully naked , you don’t like it ?

Then go to a different McDonald’s.

Masturbation is a satans typewriter, I go write an essay.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I’m pretty good but don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

HOME IS WHERE YA MASTURBATE PEACEFULLY.

I got kicked out of the hospital....

Apparently I misunderstood "Stroke Patients Here"

I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!

What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?
"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

Have you heard about the guy who rents space on the beach for people to masturbate into the ocean?
Customers have been coming in waves.

Got so many personalities even masturbating feels like an orgy.

I masturbated so good last night….when I woke up my clit was in the kitchen cookin breakfast.

I consider exercise self care, so I make time for it. Same goes for masturbation..

My coworkers are getting nervous about how many times I refer to my right hand as my boyfriend.

My sex tape consists of the duct tape I use to keep my vibrator together.

Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.

Top Tip: If you ever find yourself being strangled to death, make the most of it and have a wank.

I’ve been told there’s an article in the paper about excessive masturbation causing blindness, but I can’t see anything.

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo.

Procrastination is like masturbation... sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself.

It takes me 25 minutes to find the perfect porn to finish to in 25 seconds.

Not everyone deserves your masturbation videos.

I’m now fully environmentally friendly. All my vibrators are rechargeable

Since becoming a sperm donor I’ve been making money hand over fist.

Masturbation is the art of coming unscrewed .

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

The religious right wants to ban masturbation in America . But even if they get their way, Americans will still take the law into their own hands !

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Do you masturbate with your left hand, cause it doesn't feel right ?

A man walked into his sons bedroom and caught him playing with himself.So he said to him ' Son, my Mom always told me that it sends you blind if you keep doing that'

He said 'Dad, I'm over here!'

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.
From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

3 men in a cafe, furiously wanking.
Waitress comes over and says "What the hell are you doing"?.
One of them points to a sign which reads-
-
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED !

Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship.
No idea where I came.

The first rule of Wank Club is, never shake hands with another member of Wank Club.

My mum walked in my room & said

"You'll go blind if you do that"

I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse.

I went to see a palm reader and she took my hand and said, "I see that you masturbate."

"Sorry," I said, "I probably should have wiped that off."

It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.

In my day a selfie was, what you did when your wife wasn't in the mood.

My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

I had nothing to play with.....

Stevie Wonder -7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

When I was young I went to a palm reader. She looked at my hand and said: You have been masturbating.

I said: Hey you are good. Can you tell me anything about my future?

She looked at my face and said: You will be masturbating for a long time.

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

When I found out that men get paid £60 every time they donate their sperm, it made me angry to think about all that money I've let slip through my fingers.

A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.
'Well son, time for bed now' the father says
'But Dad, I'm 15 now' the son complains
The father replies 'I don't care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate'

Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days.. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section.

Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier!

I just open up my browser and go to www.littlewoods.com

I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he’s masturbating? – His ears.

What do lezbians do when they have a problem ?
They finger it out.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired”

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.