Hilarious prostitute jokes that will make your day !

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? you don’t get something in return if you give money to a church.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

What do you call a prostitute with no arm or legs.
Cash and carry.

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”
Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?
She thought it'd be sweet.

I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.
She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

Just my luck - judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night.
Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour.
I paid her 50 cents.

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

How did the police arrest all the prostitutes in town. They used a hornet.

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realise you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping the tears off her face: "When the cheque bounced."

A man knocks on the door of a supposedly exclusive brothel. Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answers.
"This is an exclusive club," she explains. "To join, you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. So he knocks again and the madam re-appears
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam : Again??

- what do Nascar drivers and hookers have in common?
- they both know how to finish fast.

How do you know when your hooker is dead?
When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.

What are Christian hookers good at?
Missionary work.

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can leave his friend to do the deed with the hooker.

The next day, his friend wants to hear the details. He tells him, “She charged me $300 for the night. $150 for a blowjob and $150 for ...”

His friend interrupts, “What? That’s an expensive blowjob. And $150 for the pussy?”

The guy says, “well, turns out it was actually a dude so no pussy. I was horny as hell, so $150 for anal.”

His friend says, “Wow, was it worth it?”

He responds, “Yeah. It was great. My asshole still
hurts a lot but completely worth it. “

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Three hookers were sitting at a bar.
The first one said: "I can get three fingers up my fanny." And proceedes to demonstrate this to the other two. The second one laughed and said " That's nothing. I can get a whole fist up mine." And she duly obliged to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

- What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
- The look on their face when you're nailing them.

A hooker gets arrested one night and the next day stands before the judge
The judge reviews the evidence and decides to sentence the hooker to community service for 6 months.

Then the hooker goes "Community service? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?!"

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker
Gatoraids.

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”
Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”.

- What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
- A quarter pounder.

- What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
- FULL.

Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.

A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They’re having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”, so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”. His client turns around confused and says “What do you mean wrong hole!?”

What do condoms and whores have in common? Answer: There is a lot that cums in every box.

What do you call a prostitute with no arm or legs.
Cash and carry.

What Do You Call An Asian Prostitute?
Suck Mi Dong.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? you don’t get something in return if you give money to a church.

Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says… cock a doodle doo The prostitute says… any cock will do.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? if you want a female prostitute to be a bitch you have to give her money first.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning cunts…

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?
They both get paid to eat 200 balls!!

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute.
They wanted someone to call daddy.