Unleash Laughter in the Loo with Toilet Jokes.

Where do astronauts poop?

The #2 airlock!

“An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.”
- Anonymous

Does a person, with diarrhoea, visit you?

No, they Poop in.

Restroom attendants make me nervous.

Especially when they’re self employed.

My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation.

She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.

It’s not real poo,

it’s a sham poo.

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady.

She kept yelling, “I’m peeing in here!”

How ungrateful!

Them: what inspires you to get out of bed every morning?

Me: my bladder mostly.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.

'Toilet Closed.'

Doctors say 3 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Do the other 2 enjoy it?

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

The average public swimming pool contains 75 litres of urine.

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets, Sharon is not up for a good time... what an awkward phone call that was.

I bet the guy standing at the urinal next to me regrets wearing flip-flops today...

How did Captain Hook die?
- He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

My friend with a poop fetish asked me for a favour.
‘Do me a solid’, he said.

I know of a house of math, they use only one kind of toilet paper.
~Multi ply

My favorite singer has designed a new toilet prototype.

It's called the L10 John.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing.

Am I the only one who noticed that when you're constipated is when you really don't give a shit?

I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea.

Number 2 surprised me.

Why is poop named poop? Because when you say it, your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop.

What does electric cars and diarrhea have in common?

The fear of not coming home in time!

Today I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…
Scared the shit outta me.

People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...
Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

It takes 2 wipes to know you needed 3 wipes, but 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

Kissing is like peeing your pants
Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat.

When the Brits and Belgians fought over sewage rights was that the battle of water loo?

Everything’s great in your digestive system.

Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit.

I saw in London that it costs two pence to use a public toilet. 2p, or not to pee, that is the question.

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Clingons.

"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." - Walt Twitman

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought to myself, "I don't have time for this shit."

So I feel so strongly about Graffiti in public toilets...
I’ve signed a partition.

My wife is upset with me for never putting the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting tired of carrying it around.

A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.
He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

ME: "pew pew...pew pew pew"
GUY AT NEXT URINAL: "Please stop"

Always remember it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn. I really don’t need this shit!

The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving.

The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the shit out of you.

If you realize that the writing's on the wall, you're probably in a public bathroom.

Son: Daddy, do trees poop?
Daddy: Of course. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

You know what happens when a Smurf pees on your lawn????

You end up with BLUEGRASS!

My boss: my door is always open.

(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

Have you ever visited friends and turned the toilet paper around?

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today! Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

I used to be addicted to prunes. I couldn't go without them.

Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

I like my men like I like my toilet seats: warm and just the right size.

The wetness of the toilet seat is my barometer of the day

FUN Fact:
Bae is a Danish word for poop.

Remember to poop before midnight
tomorrow.

You don't want to be carrying the
same shit into the New year.

How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.

I’ve just seen a sign that made me wet myself - TOILET CLOSED.

I went to the toilet today without my mobile phone.

There are 283 tiles on the wall and floor.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If a guy asks "Do you lift?" he probably means weights. If a girl asks you, she probably means toilet seats.

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together!

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true.

So excited. Went into a room today and actually remembered why I went in there. Granted, it was the bathroom, but still...

My pet bear has been poorly with the poops.
He’s improving but he’s still not out of the woods.

My toilet fitting business is booming. It's all cisterns go.

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? Are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed.

It's all well and good until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.

Bake a cake with rum or beer and nobody reacts. Bake a cake with Laxative, and everyone loses their shit.

Dear Toilet: Please Flush. Sincerely, at my girlfriend’s house.

Dear people who write on bathroom walls, I don`t care who you love. I`m just trying to pee.

Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee?
I want to meet them.

Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some
toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

Learned today that it's about 12 minutes after realizing there's no toilet paper in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.

I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down".

I've decided I'm gonna start a labor union meant specifically to fight for workers bathroom rights, If your interested in joining we're calling ourselves the Bowel Movement.

The only place in the golf club where someone will not comment about altering your grip.

Toilet.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life.