Penis Jokes: The Perfect Blend of Naughty and Hilarious.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

"I had a circumcision at one day old. One day old! Can you believe it? I couldn't walk for a year!!"

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag.
She said,
"Have you got a light cock?"
I replied,
"Well it floats in the bath".

Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"

I was having problems in the bedroom so I went to the doctor's pulled down my pants and pointed at my dick and said 'I think I'm premature'.
She said 'You certainly are I'm the receptionist'.

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?
A cock ring.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMSISED , I said , because a woman will reach for anything that has 20 percent off.

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"
"ANABOLIC!!!???!!!" says the Doctor
"No just a cock" She says..!!

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!

Rude people are like dicks.
They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating. 😎

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼

What do you call a printed dick pic?
A hard copy.

Did you see the statue of a dick?
They just erected it. 🗽

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove. 🧤

Why don’t ants have dicks?
If they did, they would be uncles! 🐜

Life is like a dick.
It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

What’s another name for a diaphragm ?
A trampoline for dicks. 😀

What happened to the man who masturbated too much in the summer?
He got heat stroke. 🥵

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head. 😜

Where do bad dicks go?
To the penistentiary.

What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?
He got cock blocked. 🤪

How do you compliment someone on performing a circumcision?
Tell ’em to keep the tip.

A dick has it rough. Not only are his closest friends nuts, his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating. 😎