Dick and penis jokes that will make your day !

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove. 🧤

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼

Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

My inbox is full of penis enlargement emails. I've asked my wife to stop sending them.

Me: you can find the glory of God in the smallest of things.
Her: Be that as it may, stop sending me dick pics.

I wish my problems were as small as my wiener…..

You know you're bored when you measure your own cock.

Now I'm bored AND disappointed.

My doctor asked me if my dick burned after sex. I told him I'd never tried lighting it.

My dick has lead me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

Every sad girls deserves Hapenis.

My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

My dick is only 6 inches, but some girls like it that wide!

My dick is only 6 inches, from the ground!

Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...
He didn't even show up!

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

My dick is like a tsunami.
No one will try riding it.

Guys, you know you're getting old when....
.... your dick doesn't get stiff, but everything else does.

I can't believe that even in 2022, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..
And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

A key to a woman’s heart is being able to make her laugh.
She laughed at the size of my penis.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.

Just because a man has one, doesn't mean he has to be one.

Her profile Match.com said she wants a guy that makes her laugh. Unfortunately, she also said "no dick pics" so there goes that.

What's the similarity between a male organ and boiled potatoes.

A: Both are soft when done.

A man telling a cockroach,
" My penis is a hundred times longer than yours".
The cockroach said,
" Yet, I make your wife scream louder than you do".

I just found out that cock fighting was done with roosters. There goes 6 months training down the drain.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

I used to say I had a 9 inch penis but that was really stretching it.

Q: Do you know how I can make my penis 9” long?
A: Fold it in half

My love language is mutual respect and honesty...

Oh..and good dick too.

Subway worker: you want a six inch?
Me: it’s 4 1/2 isn’t it ?

What is Moby Dick’s Dad’s name?

Papa Boner.

FUN Fact:
There's a species of fish named the "slippery dick."

Last Christmas
I send you my dick
But the very next day
You blocked me away
This year to save
Me from tears
My dick pic's for
Someone special

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMCISED, I SAID because every woman will GRAB AT ANYTHING that has 20 percent off.

Guy: is my penis sexy?

Me: can I choose dare?

My inbox is full of penis enlargement emails. I've asked my wife to stop sending them.

Your small dick only proves one thing; your circumcision took more than one try.

I accidentally put my penis in brass instrument. Now I'm on the sax offenders list.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

"I had a circumcision at one day old. One day old! Can you believe it? I couldn't walk for a year!!"

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag.
She said,
"Have you got a light cock?"
I replied,
"Well it floats in the bath".

Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"

I was having problems in the bedroom so I went to the doctor's pulled down my pants and pointed at my dick and said 'I think I'm premature'.
She said 'You certainly are I'm the receptionist'.

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?
A cock ring.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMSISED , I said , because a woman will reach for anything that has 20 percent off.

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"
"ANABOLIC!!!???!!!" says the Doctor
"No just a cock" She says..!!

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!

Rude people are like dicks.
They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating. 😎

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼