The best jokes are the ones that make us blush.

"I'm not saying my ass is the best, but it's definitely a head-turner."
- Jennifer Lopez

Ass jokes collection.

A firm butt is like a good punchline - it leaves a lasting impression.

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist

Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

Eating ass is just a french kissing the other side of the mouth.

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them.

What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no ass?
A flatina.

What does a proctologist give you for pain?
An Analgesic.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and an ass.

Sure there’s a risk getting a colonoscopy
Butt it’s well worth it.

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.
I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?
An itching butt.

I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection my leg, and half my arse.

Proctologist …. The only job where you start at the bottom …. and stay there.

My friend used to be addicted to flashing their bum in public... but that was many moons ago.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

A great butt is like a secret weapon - you never know when you'll need to use it.

FUN Fact:
Every human being starts out as an anus - It's the first part of our bodies to form in the womb.

My mate took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy.

Therapist: And when you use your dildos in such an unhealthy manner, how do you feel?

Me: With my asshole mostly.

Ass grabbing is an essential part of a well balanced relationship.

How many animals can be found on the female body? 6. A set of hooters, a couple of calves, an ass and a fish that nobody can find.

A guy checked out my ass today; he’s a gastroenterologist, but it still counts.

"What dat ass do?"
- when your proctologist is a bit more gansta than you're comfortable with.

My shower curtain grabs my ass more often than any human does.

When the doctor told me that there
was a cure for dyslexia,

It was music to my arse!

The only ass I need is assistance.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Why did The Snowman
Have a finger up the bum?
He was getting his frostate checked.

Just a reminder:
If the Indians had shot a donkey instead of a turkey, you'd all be getting a piece of Ass for Thanksgiving.

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

Doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, well that's music to my arse.

A great butt is like a work of art - it deserves to be admired.

I've been asked to decorate the house with a satin paint, but I honestly don’t think I can fit my arse in the tin.

Have you ever ate a butt? Kind of a shitty meal if you ask me.

MEN look at WOMEN's behind and say, "What an Ass".. Women look at men's face, and say the same thing!

I am asking for a friend, ok? Why are hemorrhoids such a pain in the ass?

Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...

Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

Eating ass on a plane?? Now thats what i call Skyrim.

I’m not one for booty puns, butt…

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion ?
A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

Just when you think you knew all the possible text abrieviations, then there's these:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse
(_o_) i took it up the arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
and my personal favourite
(_x_) kiss my arse! ...

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! - All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire business man, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence ???!!"

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?
**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:

Teacher: Kids, what comes first.

Students: BOOTY!

Teacher : And whats behind this booty?

Students : Another BOOTY!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?

Students : ME!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind me?

Students : The entire country!!!!!!

The principal is perplexed. "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.

"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking.

Butt dialing and booty calling.
So similar. So different.

Because there's nothing like a good butt joke to make your day.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty.
They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?
Diggin' for booty.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'.
But I'm on a glute-free diet.

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?
Sunken chest, and no booty.

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that.
A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I've been doing squats so I can get a big booty.
I have asspirations.

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.
His name is Kanye West.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.Little Johnny: what are you doing? Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it. Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

More ass jokes on the following pages...