Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas

Kenny was into incest until his mom died. Now he’s into necrophilia.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

The last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”.
#incest

What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?
-It makes your sister jealous.
#incest

What happens when your make an asían girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

I Like Women Who Squirt
Ketchup all over my french fries.

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.
But then I came to my census.

had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...
... Two birds one stone

I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...
How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

There was a guy exposing himself in the parking lot the other day, but he was gone in a flash.

I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..
But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter.

Pretty Nuts when you think about it.

I took a course on sexual harassment last week.
it went well, I think Im gonna be good at it...

I've had a vasectomy...
It didn't work..
It just changes the colour of the fucking kids.

The stripper made her son lunch for school today.
It was hoe made.

What's the best part of a bulimic birthday party?
...When the cake jumps out of the stripper.

I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn’t have that much breast milk.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Thanks to inflation . I’m so poor I had to milk the dog to feed the cat. You ever tried to milk a Chihuahua those little bastards are mean!

My girlfriend and I had a pregnancy scare misunderstanding.
Turns out it was her Pet rabbit that died and she has mourning sickness.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Playing billiards... The only instance, where scratching your balls in public is not frowned upon.

If you currently have a voodoo doll of me
Please scratch its balls for me, I'm at a meeting and it's really uncomfortable. Thanks.

So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.
It might come in handy.

What kind of shoes do kidnapers wear?
White Vans.

I just got back from a bulimic disco.
The place was heaving!

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?
A foam party!

How do you know someone is an introvert?
They won't shut the fuck up about it.

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.
So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.
And calling you a "home intruder".

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her until I put the last piece over her mouth.

Why was the FBI agent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld.

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!