Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas

Kenny was into incest until his mom died. Now he’s into necrophilia.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

The last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”.
#incest

What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?
-It makes your sister jealous.
#incest

What happens when your make an asían girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

I Like Women Who Squirt
Ketchup all over my french fries.

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.
But then I came to my census.

had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...
... Two birds one stone

I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...
How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

There was a guy exposing himself in the parking lot the other day, but he was gone in a flash.

I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..
But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter.

Pretty Nuts when you think about it.

I took a course on sexual harassment last week.
it went well, I think Im gonna be good at it...

I've had a vasectomy...
It didn't work..
It just changes the colour of the fucking kids.

The stripper made her son lunch for school today.
It was hoe made.

What's the best part of a bulimic birthday party?
...When the cake jumps out of the stripper.

I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn’t have that much breast milk.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Thanks to inflation . I’m so poor I had to milk the dog to feed the cat. You ever tried to milk a Chihuahua those little bastards are mean!

My girlfriend and I had a pregnancy scare misunderstanding.
Turns out it was her Pet rabbit that died and she has mourning sickness.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Playing billiards... The only instance, where scratching your balls in public is not frowned upon.

If you currently have a voodoo doll of me
Please scratch its balls for me, I'm at a meeting and it's really uncomfortable. Thanks.

So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.
It might come in handy.

What kind of shoes do kidnapers wear?
White Vans.

I just got back from a bulimic disco.
The place was heaving!

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?
A foam party!

How do you know someone is an introvert?
They won't shut the fuck up about it.

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.
So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.
And calling you a "home intruder".

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her until I put the last piece over her mouth.

Why was the FBI agent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld.

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!

Alcohol free beer. Like going down on your sister. Tastes the same but it's not right

If autocorrect changes ur fuck to duck, it’s alright.. it’s still foul language.

Wife said, where's the nut dish?
I replied, your talking out of it

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up ?

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little fucker
I'm now single.
And banned from Disneyland.

I fisted a Ventriloquist once to see how he liked it..

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested? WTF?

2 paedos on the beach. One says to the other "can you get out of my s#n".

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table I felt my knees go weak my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Why do women skydivers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down....

I've donated my sperm to the lesbian couple across the road and I'm sure the baby will be special.
It is hand made after all.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot.

I admire my dog for having the confidence to poop in public.

There’s never a bath and a toaster when you need one.

So happy to be married, I hated all those questions after 1-night stands. Who are you, where am I, why am I tied up?

I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but... I decided to sit on it for a while.

I had hoped adulthood would have involved more anal probes by aliens and a lot fewer by medical doctors.

It was National no bra day today but i knew it was going to be a flop due to the lack of support.

How do you make a door laugh?

Tickle its knob.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. These night vision binoculars were worth every penny.

During a home improvement project
my wife said she thought we should try a 3 way switch.
Let’s just say there was a misunderstanding.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

What is the thing that you keep on looking for, but when you find it, you throw it away?
A booger.

Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

Her lips said to stop ogling her body, but that’s not what har ass ment.

Home alone! You know what that means? Porn with volume!

When I dunk my cookies, I think about you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.

He died doing what he loved, asking a wheelchair user if they have a license for that thing.

I filled out my jury selection acceptance form with green and red crayons...and they just very politely sent me home.

- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
- Bus shelters.

I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves.

Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

"OMG! Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"
"Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.