Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

My sexual preference is.....often.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

Science is like sex. Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it.

A pretty woman went to a mullah, “Please pray a cure me of my disease.”

Mullah said, ''I will pray for a cure for you, but as a token of gratitude, you must go to bed with me.”

She agreed, and the mullah had good sex.
Then the mullah asked, “Tell me, what is your ailment?”

“I have AIDS” replied the woman.

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

Do you speak English?
Yes!

Name?
Abdul Aziz.

Sex?
Three to five times a week.

No, no...I mean male or female?
Yes, both male and female

Holy cow!
Yes, cows, sheep, and goats.

But isn't that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!

Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast...

My wife and I had sex in Chernobyl.

9 months later we became a nuclear family.

What's the difference between Calculus and sex? Math nerds get Calculus.

Mary : i’m pregnant

Joseph : but we’ve never had sex??

Mary : you’re not gonna believe this..

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX YOU PAY FOR AND SEX FOR FREE IS SEX YOU PAY FOR IS CHEAPER.

My sexual preference is often.

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

They say makeup sex is the best sex.

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

My doctor asked me if my dick burned after sex. I told him I'd never tried lighting it.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

I prefer my sex in three acts.
It's a tragedy.

I haven’t had sex in so long my foreskin is growing back.

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my gf started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Parents first say sex is bad and later ask for grandchildren.

I asked my Welsh friend, how many sexual partners he had had.
He started counting then fell asleep.

A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

My Ex called me a sex machine.

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.

What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

Men aren't any more sexist than women. We're just naturally better at it.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

Why does sexual reassignment surgery only have 2 gender options?

all sex is casual sex if ur not wearing a bow tie.

Why is it considered harassment to talk about sex in the workplace but not to children at school?

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

I haven’t had sex in so long my foreskin is starting to grow back .

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal! I’m ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures!

Sex is like sleep to me , i don't get any.

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest.
Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.
Why are you still scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

Sex WITHOUT A CONDOM IS SO MAGICAL . A BABY Appears & The Father Disappears.

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my gf for how long we've not been doing it.

Research suggests that 10% of men pay for sex

The other 90% just don't realize that they pay for sex.

I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.
She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

ADULTING is learning spitting in yo partners mouth is APART OF SEX .

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?
Holy fuck.

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

I asked my German wife to give me a 69 .
She replied, “Sex, Nein!”

When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?
Eleven.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work.
Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

My gf complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​.
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till i realized it is a family buisness.
#incestjoke

Never trust a man that calls you SEXY because he will remove the Y and have sex with you then run away with S and call you Ex.

During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless..

Girl: What the heck are you doing??

Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me oral sex......

I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I will call her again nearer the time....😂

*Sexting over walkie talkies*

“Hell yeah baby bend over.”

“Bend what? Over.”

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?
She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.
He said that he had nun.

They say makeup sex is the best, but I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs.
I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization.

The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act fetish ?
Giving Han Jobs.

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.

I wish you all a great 2017.

I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.
She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

What do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?
Wedding cake.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.