Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

The cost of living has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

Group sex with dwarves is a small perversion.

My New Years Resolution is To have a lot more Sex.
Haven't told the Wife though, don't want her Spoiling It.

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex.
Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel.

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How is sex like a coffee shop?
The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her
She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I bought a vacuum at a sex shop- it fuckin sucks!

Sex is great and all, but have you tried it with another person?

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for having sex with a giraffe...

He said the other six put him up to it!

What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender?
Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.

How do you call a male developer that hasn't had sex in a while?
A full sack developer.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

Nutritionists have confirmed that a well known food reduces women's sex drive by 95%.
It's called "wedding cake"

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?
Pan Nick at the disc co.

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....
Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

Sobre el sexo y las relaciones solo deben dar lecciones quienes los hayan probado.

La inactividad sexual es peligrosa... ¡Produce cuernos! (Will Smith).

¿Por qué debemos aceptar consejos sexuales del papa? Si sabe algo de sexo, ¡no debería! (George Bernard Shaw).

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.
Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

Apple=Vitamins
.
Vitamins=Power
.
Power=Work
.
Work=Money
.
Money=Women
.
Women=Sex
.
Sex=Aids
.

Aids=Death

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away…

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.

La pire position sexuelle c'est quand t'es allongé en dessous et qu'au dessus il n'y a personne...🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

The comma sutra makes grammar sexy.

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

“You miss me that much?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

If you have sex on Halloween will it be a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

I phoned the sex line and didn't use any protection. Now I got hearing AIDS.

Me and my husband decided to make our own sex tape. I was a bit miffed when he started holding auditions for my part.