Hilarious NSFW jokes that will make your day !

Modern women say they are not housekeepers...
Yet after a divorce, who keeps the house.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

"Excuse me," I said to the girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

Masquerade parties are much more fun when you know the guy you’re fucking isn’t your husband 💕

I'm so torn on circumcision.

I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.

In Thailand, where on the woman's body is the clitoris?

Depends on the surgeon.

I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

Anal, because happiness often sneaks in a door you didn't think was open.

I lost my virginity just to make my dog happy...

I'm not always the cunt.
Sometimes I'm asleep.

Every girl is a stripper if you wait outside of her window long enough.

all sex is casual sex if ur not wearing a bow tie.

My ass looks the best when I walk away

-me flirting

I strongly believe that women hide their clit on purpose just to blame men for not finding it!

I juss wanna get rich the same way y'all get pregnant:

fast & unplanned.

My safe word is "meatloaf," because I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera.

Momma said i can become anything,

So i became a fucking problem.

Why do Irishmen wear two condoms?
.
.
.
To be sure, to be sure! 😛

Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

Eat pussy, it's 100% organic.

STOP calling people broke for not having stuff you slept with that old man for .

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

I have a bird fetish.

I can scarcely contain my libido when​ I look at chicks.

Morning blow jobs .

Because it’s faster than making a protein smoothie.

My wife was telling me about an innuendo contest…

So I entered her!

Prostate exams may be uncomfortable but my dentist still insists I get them.

I have a HEALTHY porn addiction.

By healthy..... I mean, it's my #1 source of exercise.

I haven’t had sex in so long my foreskin is starting to grow back .

Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

What’s the difference between Disney+ and porn hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

When she says "don't come in me" but you know she'll make a great single mother.

Q: What's 12 inchs long and snaps a cunt?

A: Your selfie stick.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me because she calls me her sixty second lover.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal! I’m ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures!

I'm going to start a vibrator repair service, and call it...

Inspect Her Gadget...

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

Firetruck.

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

Sex WITHOUT A CONDOM IS SO MAGICAL . A BABY Appears & The Father Disappears.

She told me she wanted 8 inches so I had to give it to her twice.

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

"Excuse me," I said to the girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

Research suggests that 10% of men pay for sex

The other 90% just don't realize that they pay for sex.

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

ADULTING is learning spitting in yo partners mouth is APART OF SEX .

I hate when girls try to kiss me during sèx.
i got a girlfriend. Chill.

I got fired for not embracing diversity enough.
Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,
wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

Everyone is a fan of the 69 position but I prefer the 68.
That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

How to respond when someone asks if you want to 69 ?
I’m down if you’re down.

Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?
When she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.
The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till i realized it is a family buisness.
#incestjoke

Some people think incest jokes are funny. I just think it’s all relative.

When your crush walks in class but youre homeschooled…
#incest

What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac?
You don't have to bring the flowers.

A couple of necrophiliacs were walking around town. One of them saw a morgue and said:
"Hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

Digging stuff up is too hard.
Guess Necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring...

Premature ejaculator:
Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in
...finally.

You can't call a short man an "ankle biter" at work

I've learned this now.

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.
Cum to know more.

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...
I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk.
I call it an ejaculatte.

A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.
"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.