Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

Everything is a sex toy if you’re brave enough.

- Why can't Ray Charles read?
- Because he's dead!

A young Newfoundland woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Bell Island Ferry."

girlfriend says- "if my left leg was breakfast & my right lunch, which would you prefer"
boyfriend replies "eating between meals".

My wife was on the sofa last night reading a book called "100 ways to please your man"...
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that, you only need to do 2 things for me an I'll be the happiest bloke ever"...
She smiled an said, "What's that then"...?
I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off"....

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

Call me old school but I like a woman without a penis.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The labourer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good n fun until u realize u r only fucking yourself.

Me: Dude, I saved a little girl from being raped today.
Friend: Whoa man! How did you do it?
Me: Self control man... Self control.

My girlfriend Dumped me so I stole her wheel chair !!!!
Guess who came Crawling back!

I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

My daughter has Bieber fever.
Or, as it's medically known, Down's Syndrome.

During sex some Ladies be like, please baby don't cum inside me.
They think its easy to jump out from a speeding Vehicle....!!

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"