Fat Jokes: Making light of the heavy stuff.

There is an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It is called camera.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These of course, are only round figures.

This fat girl just served me in McDonald's.
She said Sorry about the wait.
I said Don't worry you'll find a way to lose it eventually.

Now I’m not saying that my wife is fat, but when she took a flight last week, she had to book two seats.

And they were both window seats.

People who weigh themselves every day are indulging in wishful shrinking.

The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the word "Eat"

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

EAT becomes FAT if you don’t draw the line.

When your wife or girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?

I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.

I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

What do you call a fat pineapple A pineapple chunk!

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
ME: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

I hate long distance relationships. That's why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.

How do you lose pounds without exercise and diet?

Fly to the UK

Get your money changed

Spend your money.

According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.

But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

Q. What is the difference between a group of sea lions and frat boys at a kegger?
A. The sea lions don't try to drive home.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.
Do it when you are offered food.

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills...
You'll have nothing to gain.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

It took a lot of willpower but I finally gave up dieting.

Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.

My wife is on the Cyclops diet. She's always got one eye on the fridge.

Husband: where is that body I fell in love with?

Wife: Judging from the size of your belly, I think you ate it!

They say the body is a temple... What I got is more of a bouncy castle.

Does anybody use a pie chart to illustrate obesity numerical proportion ?

My stomach is flat, just the "L" is silent.

They say a jar of Nutella has 2164 calories. I don't care though I never eat the jar.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Why are fish so thin?
Because they eat fish.

What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout ?
Elephat.

I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

The human body is roughly 60% water.
I'm not fat, I'm flooded.

My girlfriend is on the Cyclops diet.

She's always got one eye on the fridge.!!!!

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

I’ve finally gotten rid of all my Winter fat .... it’s all now Spring rolls!

This liquid diet crap is a scam.
I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.