Adult Jokes Galore: Laugh Away with Our Premium Collection.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 😎

What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming! 👱‍♀️

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What's long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog's fingers! 🐸

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste! 🤣

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the tip. 🤪

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. 💵💳💲

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist. 👨‍⚕️

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. 😎

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. 😎

How is life like toilet paper? 🧻
You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 😏
Because his wife died!

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. 📞

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"
"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snowballs!!

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 😀

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive." 💲💲💲

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" 👮‍♀️

What do TVs and girls have in common ? 📺
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!

Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud.

Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door. 😎

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas. 🍌

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Jonny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?” and the teacher fainted. 😁

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom. 🚺

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!” 👦

A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...
After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are able to help me reduce it."

"I know someone who can," replied the old man. "See, I was once in your shoes and had a 25 inch penis. Doctors couldn't help me either. Then one day as I sat at the lake pondering suicide, a frog hopped up on a lily pad and told me that if I asked him to marry me, that 5 inches would disappear from my penis. I know, it sounds absurd. But damn if it didn't work. You should go see him."

So the man goes to the local lake and sure enough finds the frog sitting on a lily pad. 'Here goes nothing...'

"Frog...will you marry me?"

"No," said the frog.

POOF!! 5 inches disappeared from his penis.

"WOW! It actually works! Frog....will you marry me?"

"No," replied the frog.

POOF!! Another 5 inches disappears. The man now has a 15 inch penis and thought that if he could just lose 5 more inches, he might just be able to take a woman to bed or even star in a porn flick. "I'll ask just one more time and walk away happy with a 10 inch penis."

So he asked the frog one more time. "Frog...will you marry me?"

"How many times do I have to tell you??? NO, NO, NO!!!"

Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.
They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”

Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”