Adult Jokes Galore: Laugh Away with Our Premium Collection.

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

Condom marketing at it's best !!
(Hilarious) 10 funny condom slogans:
1. If you're nude, tube your dude!
2. Don't be silly. Protect your willy!
3. Wrap your tool, to catch the drool!
4. Cover your hose, then curl her toes!
5. Wrap your stump before you hump!
6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!
7. If you think its funky, cover your monkey!
8. Don't make a mistake. Cover your snake!
9. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
10. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it!

cat and a rooster are sitting by a pool, the cat falls in and the rooster laughs, the cat says a wet pussy always makes a cock happy.

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it!"

I am tired of oral sex jokes.
They are too hard to swallow.

Me " Do you have the book about small dicks ? "

Librarian " I don`t think it`s in yet "

Me " That`s the one "

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he has a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she asked if she could massage and rub his testicles. She told him it was something she really loved and wanted to do. So she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles, and he was loving every moment. He could not believe his luck, as no other girlfriend had ever wanted to pleasure him like this! As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love rubbing testicles so much?” Because, she replied, “I miss mine!”

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying “Blind man”. Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything they open the door. The man walks in and says “Nice tits ladies. Now where do you want me to install these blinds?

3 people having sex is a 3some.
2 people having sex is a 2some.
So would 1 person having sex be handsome ?

If a mans penis is referred as the "family jewels"...does that mean a woman's vagina is the "jewelry box"?

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

"Depth 1.8metres"

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

"Men's entrance"

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

"Repairs in progress, please use rear entrance”😆😆😆😆

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A woman goes into a tailors and asks to be measured for a trouser suit.....the poor apprentice runs into the back shop all flustered and splutters out to the tailor...this lady wants a trouser suit ...I can measure the top ok but how do I get the inside leg measurements...I mean a tape measure and my hand going up there.....the tailor smiles wryly....ahh..you don’t use a tape measure....you use a metre stick....push it up as far as it will go...deduct the wet from the dry and add two inches for turn ups 🤗

Caribbean male pickup lines: They are Punny!
I hope you came with a library card because I need to borrow you.
Is your name Google? You have everything I am looking for.
Hold me tight girl and feel the boyfriend material.
I am walking behind you because my mama told me to follow my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk in front of you again?
(While rubbing eyes) Girl, something is wrong with my eyes, I just can’t take them off you.
You are like the Great Wall of China, I just can’t get over you.
You remind me of a lobster, all the meat is in your tail.
I heard that you are good in math, can you replace my X without asking Y?
You must come from ISIS because you are the bomb!
I was feeling a little off, but you turned me back on.
I want to be a gardener so that I can plant my tulips on your tulips.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles 🤗

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the fucking darts team hadn't!

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today.
His wife is taking it really hard.

A world without women would be a pain in the ass 🤐

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.
The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?”
He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.” 😁

A boy goes into a pub, "give me 10 Pernod and blackcurrant".. The barman lines them up and the boy sinks them one after the other. "bloody hell, what are you celebrating?" asked the barman... "my first blowjob" said the boy. "Oh that is something to celebrate, have another on the house"
The boy looks at him and says "I've just drunk 10, another one isn't going to take the taste away".....

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg.
He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts." 😎

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, i’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, stiff willies with huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 😃

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!" 😎

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz...🤗

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips! 💋

Q: What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A: A pussy. Because you leave your bags outside! 🏨

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut! ✂

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you! 😎

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.