Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

yeah sex is cool and all but have you ever written a script that worked perfectly on your first try?

Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.
They said they dont give a flying fuck.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage tan or cos ?

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March.......

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After Sex my girlfriend started calling me Christmas. Apparently I came early.

"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power."
-Oscar Wilde

A woman asked me for sex yesterday.
I had to disappoint her...
We had sex !

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
Me: That's a lot of sex

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.

My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s when you flip a MOM over.

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68mph. At 69 you have to turn around

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

I'm always making jokes about buttsex to my wife.
She just thinks I'm trying to be a pain in the ass.

A man is about to have sex with a fat chick,so he climbs on top & says,"can i turn the light off?"."Why are you shy?" "No" he says,"it's burnin my arse".

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

Two cowboys talking about sex one says " what's your favorite position " 1st one says rodeo position" 2nd one says never heard of that what is it " well you get the wife to get down on all fours mount her from behind reach round and cup her tits and whisper these feel almost like your sisters then try and hold on for 30seconds.

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.
She takes it up the arse now.

Condom marketing at it's best !!
(Hilarious) 10 funny condom slogans:
1. If you're nude, tube your dude!
2. Don't be silly. Protect your willy!
3. Wrap your tool, to catch the drool!
4. Cover your hose, then curl her toes!
5. Wrap your stump before you hump!
6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!
7. If you think its funky, cover your monkey!
8. Don't make a mistake. Cover your snake!
9. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
10. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it!

After sex dudes always ask did you cum?
Yeah bitch to the wrong house...pass me my damn panties.

I am tired of oral sex jokes.
They are too hard to swallow.

Masturbation is a touchy subject. But oral sex is a matter of taste.

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Anal sex is keeping my wife really fit..
Everytime I mention it she runs a fucking mile!!..

I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down, it's your turn to speak....lol

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she asked if she could massage and rub his testicles. She told him it was something she really loved and wanted to do. So she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles, and he was loving every moment. He could not believe his luck, as no other girlfriend had ever wanted to pleasure him like this! As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love rubbing testicles so much?” Because, she replied, “I miss mine!”

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Sex.

Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me .
Will I need a safe word ?

Police: the fuck is wrong with you ?

The sexual position called 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

3 people having sex is a 3some.
2 people having sex is a 2some.
So would 1 person having sex be handsome ?

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

I met a sexy electrician!
She LED me on,
and I couldn't resistor.