Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the tip. 🤪

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. 📞

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake. 🍰

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Jonny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?” and the teacher fainted. 😁

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.'' 👧

When asked if they would have sex with Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "I'm Catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the buckets out from under him."

A Dentist Was Caught Having Sex With His Patient.
Next Day The Newspaper Headlines Were.
Dentist Caught Filling The Wrong Hole! 🔞

Having sex with a depressed person is necrophilia. Cause we're dead inside. 😉

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak. 🤗

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room.
I said, “I’m Indiana Jones, get out!”

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.🤗

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

(her during sex): call me names
(me, panicking): you like that, names? 😎

What is the best thing about sex in the bible?
A second cumming. 💑

Just imagine, if Covid 19 was transmitted sexually nobody would be giving a fuck! 🤦‍♂️

If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand ? 😎

My wife is a sex object-- Every time I ask for sex-- she objects.

I was sexually active at 12.

It’s now 12:19 and my arm is killing me.

If you are arguing with your sex partner , you're actually wasting your fucking time.

Masturbation is a touchy subject but oral sex is just a matter of taste.

Está la alta sociedad de Bogotá en un coctel. De pronto entran 20 guerrilleros disparando y diciendo:
—¡Al suelo, partida de homosexuales y mujeres de la calle!
Entonces todos los Pombo y Urrutia, ala, se lanzan al piso en plancha, aterrorizados. El jefe guerrillero ve al fondo del salón un tipo de smoking con el whisky en la mano, tomándose un trago tranquilamente. Se acerca a él furioso y le dice:
—¿Qué hace ahí parado?
El hombre responde mientras mira a sus amigos en el piso:
—Pues ala, ¡yo aquí aterrado, aterrado, con estas amistades!

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come
again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives, "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."