Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How is sex like a coffee shop?
The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her
She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I bought a vacuum at a sex shop- it fuckin sucks!

Sex is great and all, but have you tried it with another person?

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for having sex with a giraffe...

He said the other six put him up to it!

What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender?
Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.

How do you call a male developer that hasn't had sex in a while?
A full sack developer.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

Nutritionists have confirmed that a well known food reduces women's sex drive by 95%.
It's called "wedding cake"

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?
Pan Nick at the disc co.

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....
Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

Sobre el sexo y las relaciones solo deben dar lecciones quienes los hayan probado.

La inactividad sexual es peligrosa... ¡Produce cuernos! (Will Smith).

¿Por qué debemos aceptar consejos sexuales del papa? Si sabe algo de sexo, ¡no debería! (George Bernard Shaw).

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.
Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

Apple=Vitamins
.
Vitamins=Power
.
Power=Work
.
Work=Money
.
Money=Women
.
Women=Sex
.
Sex=Aids
.

Aids=Death

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away…

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.

La pire position sexuelle c'est quand t'es allongé en dessous et qu'au dessus il n'y a personne...🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

The comma sutra makes grammar sexy.

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

“You miss me that much?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

If you have sex on Halloween will it be a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

I phoned the sex line and didn't use any protection. Now I got hearing AIDS.

Me and my husband decided to make our own sex tape. I was a bit miffed when he started holding auditions for my part.

Too Much Sex;

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and

with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

Study finds millennials are having less sex
Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

My husband thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I Suppose.

What's the best part of having sex with a milf?
Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!

I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

If HIV is a sexually transmitted virus , how did the 1st person get it?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They’re having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”, so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going “Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!”. His client turns around confused and says “What do you mean wrong hole!?”