Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...
The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex.
Because it might disturb the people at the other tables.

Sex ruined our friendship.
I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.
"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."
I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

I had sex with a deaf girl and it got awkward really fast.
Her sign language interpreter wouldn't leave the room.

What do you say after sex to make it awkward?
Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?
When it tells them to go straight.

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

My sister and my new girlfriend have the same name. That‘s so awkward... now every time we have sex I gotta think about my new girlfriend.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

I hate shower sex.
It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...
“Just ignore them!”

My husband’s favourite sex position is ‘the JFK’.
He splatters all over me while I scream and try to get out of the car...

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

I sat in my hairdressers chair and said "Make me look sexy!'
She started drinking.

Girlfriend after sex: how did you get so good at eating pussy? Boyfriend: my mom taught me.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

Sex without condoms is magical.
.
.
A baby appears, and father disappears.

I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.

Mickey Mouse got arrested for dangerous driving, or possibly a sex crime...

All i know is he was caught burning rubber in a Minnie.

My wife told me that Vacation sex is the best sex......
Not gonna lie, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

"Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex".

Sex so good I wanted to text her man and tell him how lucky he is to have her.

An Older Man had met a Younger Woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would Orgasm during Sex.

A caring Man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his New Lover, so he called his Doctor for advice...???

The Doc told him that masturbating before Sex, often helped Men last longer during the Act. The Man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it..??

He couldn't do it in his Office. He thought about the Toilets or Restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an Alleyway, but figured that was too Unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his Truck over on the side of the Highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the Truck..??

Satisfied with the Privacy, he undid his Pants and started to Masturbate.

He Closed his Eyes and thought of his Lover.

As he grew closer to Orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his Pants.

Not wanting to lose his Mental Fantasy or the Orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT"..?!?!? In a stern voice.

He heard, "This is the Police. What the Hell are you Doing"..???

The Man replied, "I'm checking out the Rear Axle, it's Noisy, could be Busted."

The Cop says,

*

"Well, you better check your Brakes too, because your Truck rolled away, down the Hill, 5 minutes ago.😂

Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?
I've tried fucking everything!

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia.

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

The cost of living has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

Group sex with dwarves is a small perversion.

My New Years Resolution is To have a lot more Sex.
Haven't told the Wife though, don't want her Spoiling It.

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex.
Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel.

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.