Rude Jokes Galore - Unleashing the Naughty Side of Laughter.

I couldn't find the bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?
There's usually a cunt at one end.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and my thoughts were confirmed, she's just a fat cunt.

Why did the introvert cross the road?
Fuck you leave me alone.

Best yo momma joke??

I'm not saying yo momma a slut.. but she slid you in and out a couple times giving birth!

In my defense, when I said fuck you, I meant it in the most diplomatic, nicest way it could possibly be said.

I will fuck you harder than the tax man.

~ Me flirting

I'm watching Jaws.
I shouldn't really call her that, but she never shuts her fucking mouth.

“Do your research!” is the new “kiss my ass.”

Truth is like poetry.
And most people fucking hate poetry.

Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines.
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

"Fuck that shit" is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no".

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

I was a very advanced baby you know, I was walking at three months.

I had no choice the bottom fell out my fucking pram!

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

Just emailed my application into the Local Lonely Hearts Club with a recent photo and they've returned it all saying .........
' We're not that fuckin lonely ' !!!!

I said to the chemist, "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?"

He said, "Why?"

I said, "She keeps fucking waking up."!!!

I saw a guy in the park the other day pinned under a fallen tree.

"Get help!" he shouted.

"Fuck you," I replied, swigging out my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help, I can quit anytime."

Man goes into a pub and says to the barman, “2 pints of fucking lager, and a vodka and coke, you bastard”.
The barman says “You’ve got no chance of getting served with that attitude”. The man says “why”?
The barman says “I will show you how to ask, you get behind the bar and I’ll be the customer”.
The barman says” This is how you should do it”! He then asks “Can i have 2 pints of a lager and a vodka and coke please”?
The man says “Fuck off you wouldn’t serve me”!

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

A drunk man staggers into a hotel and asks the receptionist for key to room 210.

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replied, "but that room is occupied,"

"Not at the moment it isn't" the drunk replied, "I just fell out of the fuckin window."!!

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

Paddy & mick are sat having a pint....A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on,
Paddy says "im gonna do that when i win the lottery" Mick says "wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "no ya silly fecker, send my grass off to be cut...!!!!

I'm at the doctors surgery and they don't know why I have this nasty rash on my balls.

Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients in the waiting room are fuckin clueless !!

My wife called me up to the bedroom earlier, "look what I've found in a cupboard, crotchless panties" she said as she modelled them seductively.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat fucker it was one of my vests !!!

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.!!!

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Fucking Bastards, you can't trust anyone nowadays !!

My wife came home the other day and said,
"What's different about me?"
I said,
"I don't know - what is the difference?
Have you had your hair done?" She said, "No." I said, "Have you got a new dress on?"
She said, "No!" I said, "Have you got a new pair of shoes?"
She said, "No!"I said, "Well what is it? What's different?"
She said, "I'm wearing a fucking gas mask!"

What does a condom and a woman have in common?
If they’re not on the end of your cock they’re in your wallet.

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bastards anything!"

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn’t do either..

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

What's got 12 legs and sounds like a pig?
My wife at KFC.

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied “Screw you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

Your mom's so slow that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

If an orphan takes a selfie, is it considered a family portrait?

A white man is in the delivery room of a hospital where his wife has given birth, a nurse taps him on the shoulder with a black baby in her arms and said "Is this yours Sir?" The man says "Its quite possible, she fucking burns everything else"

Relative humidity: the sweat that rolls down your sisters back as you are doing her.

Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Yo momma so stupid she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.

What does bat man and a black man have in common?
They can't go a night with out robin

Why will you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Because once you’re a fruit, you can’t be a vegetable.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? - Just switch off the lights.

As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt
"Want some of that?", she winked
"Fuck no!", I replied. "Look what it's done to your knickers!"

I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for 2 weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old , and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...Apparently the response of,"Dont worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for!

Yo Mama's like a Boeing 747 - She can take 2 pilots in her cockpit at the same time....

You really got to hand it to "Short People".....
Mainly because they can't reach it...

A guy bought his girlfriend a new perfume called "Chloroform".
She didn't like it.. !
She says, it makes her sleepy and also her 'ASS' feels sore and painful the next day.

My wife told me that she’d always wanted to ride a horse.

Judging by the size of her cunt, I thought she already had.

I told my 4 year old son that shitting your pants was OK but the little bastard still laughed at me for doing it.

I read that you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack. So I guess you’d better watch your ass.

Why are men most intelligent whilst having sex..
Because there plugged into a fucking know it all..

I'm conducting online knitting classes from my bathroom.
I shit, you knot.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what is the worst joke he has ever heard...and the bartender told him this....a woman put an add in the personal page asking for the perfect man...she describes him as this. .he must not beat me he must never leave and most importantly he must have a big dick...after receiving many replies...one day she hears the door bell ring..when she answers the door there is a man sitting in a wheelchair. He has no arms or legs.she askes him can i help you???he says i'm here to answer your add...she says i don't think you are what i'm looking for...he says what do you mean??? I have no arms so i can't beat you and i have no legs so i could never leave you...and she says well what about the other qualification i had in my add???he says well how do you think i rang the doorbell???

Dad: Knock Knock!
Son: Who’s that?
Dad: Yomo!
Son: Yomo who?
Dad: Yomo da fucker!

Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwasher? I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay
So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.
They said they dont give a flying fuck.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went.
It finally dawned on me.

She said she wants to go with me, I said "Go with you where?", she said 'out'. I said, " I'm a candle, I'll go out if you blow me"

A blind man and a deaf man get caught jaywalking. The deaf man was issued a citation, the blind man was given a sound warning.

A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it &
order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me"..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"
Owner fainted.

My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s when you flip a MOM over.

What’s next? Santa can’t say HO HO HO cuz it’s offensive to your mom.

6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.......
1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22
2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally everyday;
5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
And the best one........

6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN :)

A group of LGBT just asked me for directions, I told em to go straight!

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Wont be able to come into work today cause I am sick.
How sick are you ?
I'm in bed with my sister.

What part of a cabbage can u not eat.
The wheelchair.

A man is about to have sex with a fat chick,so he climbs on top & says,"can i turn the light off?"."Why are you shy?" "No" he says,"it's burnin my arse".

Bloke walks into a pub sees a sign cheese sandwich $1 50 chicken sandwich $2 50 blow job $10 he checks his wallet then calls one of the beautiful bar ladies and quietly asks "are you the one that does blow jobs" " yes I am" she replied he said good "go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.
She takes it up the arse now.