Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least once.

There is an advantage when you need to pee really badly. You get to change nationalities. Russian when looking for a bathroom, European when you find one and Finnish after you are all done.

Sex so good I wanted to text her man and tell him how lucky he is to have her.

There was a competition for premature ejaculators. Too bad I couldn't come.

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?
I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently I w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.

I was talking to a pregnant women in the doctors yesterday I said "what do you hope it is" she said "my husbands".

Fun game for parents:
Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

What's the difference between pink and purple?

My grip.

What's red and green, and goes 100 mph?
Frog in a blender.

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

Roses are red. Violets
are blue. I'm using my
hand but I'm thinking
of you.

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect...

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

I always get naked before I get in bed... so I don't know why this lady at Harvey Norman is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas. He rang me up and told me it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

You can't make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Did you here about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter. Pretty nuts!

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

I went to the doctors today, "Oh dear," he said as he clutched my testicles. "This isn't good."

"What is it doc? What have I got?" I asked all worried.

He cleared his throat, let go of my balls and said, "An erection!"

I feel uncomfortable around short people. What if they try to bite my knee.

Always be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.

I do everything faster when I have to pee.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you, and just felt glad that you are alive?
I did that, and apparently will not be allowed to fly on Easyjet ever again.

Dating a Chinese girl is so hard. I gifted her puppies and kittens and she ate them.

Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he's a "hero".

I do, and I'm "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

I learned to dance at an early age. We only had one bathroom.

I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a handjob, but she just palmed me off!

Why do farts smell?
.
.
.
So deaf people have something to laugh at, too.

Wife: "Can you tell me why I found photos of naked women on your phone?"
Husband: "Because you’re a nosey fucking twat!"

As a Child, I was blessed with a massive penis.
Shortly after they got rid of that vicar.

My mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...

He entered his sister!

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm...

Apparently I ruined that funeral!

Pete the serial flasher was thinking of retiring...

But he's going to stick it out for another year!

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

Everyone was angry at me for throwing a snowball at my son...
But why completely ban me from the maternity ward?