Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

When the girl next door told her friend she thought I was creepy, I nearly fell out of her wardrobe.

My son asked me where poo comes from. I was a little uncomfortable, but I gave an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, and stared in stunned silence for a few minutes before saying, “what about Tigger?”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

I've been seeing a really hot guy for a while now. As soon as he figures it out, he's gonna shut his curtains.

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

I found a hat with £17.50 in it.
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but he was too busy juggling.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder” ?

How do you get 500 dead baby’s into a car? A blender.
How do you get 500 dead baby’s out of a car? A straw.

My uncle with 2 wooden legs was caught in a fire and burned to the ground. The insurance said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

I’ve got Two glove puppets going Free to anyone who can take them off my hands...

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.
But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Don't cry because it's over

cry because you're ugly 😑

A woman in labor is literally kidding.

- Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
- He couldn't control his pupils?
- No. It was caused by a laxative overdose.
- Oh, really?
- Yes. He couldn't control his poo pills.

- Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
- He couldn't control his pupils?
- No. It was caused by a laxative overdose.
- Oh, really?
- Yes. He couldn't control his poo pills.

Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

You could seriously piss off your neighbors by buying a puppy and naming it the same as their child.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

The girlfriend says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting as she’s never given blood before.

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

I went into the woods with a clown. He told me that he would give me candy if I juggled his balls I felt funny afterwards.

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

I have a book coming out soon! Don't know what possessed me to eat it in the first place... 😰

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory. I sniffed Rosemary once. She hit me... I don't remember much after that!

The zoo is a safe place to fart.

having a friend with the same level of dirty mind is blessing...

FUN FACT
A pig can eat a pedophile in 8 minutes
🤷‍♂️
#SaveOurChildren

Never date a girl who can’t respect your wife.

We all assume people with glasses are smart but in reality they failed a test to get glasses.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.

I wonder why when you start screaming in a library people just stare and tut but when you do the same on a plane they all join in.

I don't believe it!
I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.
I've just wasted 10 months training for it.

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

We're living in a generation where people in love can touch, lick, suck and kiss each other's private parts, but cannot touch each other's phone because it's Private.

Smell your vibrator and ask yourself, do you deserve a good man?