Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

I saw my doctor yesterday & dropped my pants to show him the big boil on my bottom. He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his trolley around the supermarket.

Remember, when you bury a body-
cover it with endangered plants so it will be illegal for anybody to dig it up.
Follow me for more tips.

My roommate has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.
But I caught her red handed!

I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, poor punctuation.

I’m giving up! Masturbating for an entire month.

My cross-eyed wife and I are getting a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.
The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."
The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."
The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."
The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to death with fire, and then fuck it again."
The masochist says, "Meow."

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughters school concert.

When we were children, my brother was so ugly my mother took him everywhere just so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.

Stop thinking you are ugly, you are, but stop thinking about it.

When two people kiss, they create a long tube from butthole to butthole.

Build a man a fire he will be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Finally found my wife’s g spot.
Her sister had it all the time.

Just caught our window cleaner peering through the window at the missus undressing so I nicked his ladder.

I've also told him that if I catch him doing it again, further steps will be taken!!

Porn is fake as fuck my friend tried to fuck his Stepmom now his is homeless !!

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver!

The more you make your girlfriend laugh, the more you see her boobs jiggle.

'Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''
''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest dick the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself the nurse started giggling,then fell to the floor laughing.Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?''
…..
........
............
.................''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room..

So I went through my wife browser history today, and I found that she's been watching videos of men making their own sandwiches. Sick bitch.

If you see a toilet during

a dream, do not use it.

I rushed to the hospital this morning.
The doctor said, "Your wife has been in an accident, and she's got an eight inch wide gash."
I said, "I know doc, but has she suffered any injuries?"

FUN FACT
5 adult hogs can eat a pedophile in less than 8 minutes.

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about!

Imagine your card declines at a hospital after you gave birth and they start shoving the baby back inside.

Ladies:
If your man is willing to give you the moon and stars, you should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

You know you're a redneck when your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
Ya, you gotta admit, she smelt like shit, but look at the money he saved.

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.

My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went around today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine.
Fingers crossed she won't notice they're gone.

I went to my mate's wedding and
I whispered to a bloke next to me "isn't the bride a right ugly bastard".
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father"
"I'm not. I'm her mother you cheeky cunt !!!

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

I orgasmed in the tub last night.

The wife fucking hates it when I call her that.

The prostitute said that she sucks at her job.

I worked for a posh bra company, i was part of the support team .

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

Overweight people, stop calling yourself fat and destroying your self esteem! You’re bigger than that!

WOMEN: "sToP sExUaLiZiNg uS"

ALSO WOMEN: "9.99 a mOnTh tO sEe mY aSsHoLe"

My daughter wanted a cinderella party so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

I scared the postman today by showing up at the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived 😁