Disgusting, wicked and nastyy jokes !

Girlfriend after sex: how did you get so good at eating pussy? Boyfriend: my mom taught me.

Its better to cum in the shower, than to shower in the cum.

My wife and I farted at the same time.
We're stinkronized.

Wife's not spoken to me since she caught me using her toothbrush. So if anybody knows of another method of getting dogs shit off my shoe please advise.

Girls think they can change a guy who doesn't even change his underwear daily..

WHATS THE LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE A PUBIC HAIR HITS THE GROUND?
PFFFFFFFFFFTH!

Wife's not spoken to me since she caught me using her toothbrush. So if anybody knows of another method of getting dogs shit off my shoe please advise.

What's the difference between a dirty hockey player and a dirty hippie??

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods!

Went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen... got kicked out after that one.

You won't have to pee after sex if you pee during it.

For Plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

My coprolite collection has gotten so big that I’m known as “The Man of a Thousand Feces.”

By the way - why do dogs lick their own balls?
Because they can.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?
Bravefart.

I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.

What’s the difference between a dad and a car?
Eventually the car will run out of gas!

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while skydiving? It's all over town.

Be careful in Hereford swimming baths! They now have a chemical in the water that turns red if a man pees in the baths and blue if a woman pees in there. Me and the miss's were mistaken for the red arrows last night.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

One proctologist's decision to choose his specialty was just the fecal finger of fate.

Beware of the deodorants with instructions that say "remove the top and push up bottom".
They could at least make them round.

3 necrophilliacs where talking About how long they prefer a person to be dead before they have sex with them. 1st guy," I like them to be fresh dead, yes." 2nd guy, " I like them 3 days dead, just stinking real bad." 3rd guy says, " I prefer 3 weeks dead." "Why?"
the other 2 exclaim. "Because no matter where I poke, I get penetration!

Did you hear about the Nun who never bathed? She had a filthy disgusting habit.

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.!!!

I took a urine test at the doctor’s office yesterday.
Man, my kleptomania is out of control!

I go to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking, but they don't seem to like it.

I was delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness.
Unfortunately I let one rip.

It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.

Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.

Girlfriend after sex: how did you get so good at eating pussy? Boyfriend: my mom taught me.

My wife and I farted at the same time.
We're stinkronized.

Its better to cum in the shower, than to shower in the cum.

I read somewhere smelling Rosemary increases memory by 70% !!
Don't know why she slapped me .

Why did the baker have brown fingers??
Because he kneaded a poo.

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.
It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

Happiness comes from within that's why it feels good to fart.

Does the lab technician who has to analyse stool samples enjoy their job, or do they just go through the motions ?

I try to avoid public restrooms. A lot of shit goes down in there.

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically.

George stopped and ran to him.

*"Tim! Are you all right?"*

Sobbing, Tim moaned,

*"Look at my new car!"* pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.

*"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."*

*"But look inside the car."*

George did and said,

*"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry! You can always get another girlfriend."*

Tim wailed,

*"Look inside her mouth..!!"* 😶🙄

"It's considered impolite to lick your knife when you've done!"
"I dont understand, why?"
"Because you're a surgeon!"

My mother caught my brother masterbating when he was very young...In disgust she shouted " Save it until ur 21"
when he turned 21 he had 5 mason jars full..

My wife put her hair in a bun this morning...
she’s got some weird eating habits...

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

I asked my taxi driver if I could leave him some tequila and fried chicken.
He said sure, so I threw up.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around planet Ur.anus.

If you're having sex with a pregnant chick and you feel like you're getting head at the same time, you probably should stop.

I just banged my head.
Took me ages to get that flexible.

My Wife: My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month.
Me: Well, what did your proctologist say?

Hey female grammar Nazis, question: Would you rather miss a period on twitter, or in real life?

I love cooking children and dogs...but I hate using commas.