Random adult joke:
A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
Selected adult jokes:
How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Kinda sexy how you put the cuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: the fuck is wrong with you.
My girlfriend asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
My reply of "Don't worry love, your tits cover it" didn't go down too well !!
More adult jokes...
La la la
Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.
Today, me and my wife had a .69
It would have been a hundred times better without the period.
Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.
Therefore 69 is dirty.
When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?
What does 69 plus 69 equal ?
Dinner for 4.
Incest. When “slow down and apply more lube bro” REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.
*Sexting over walkie talkies*
“Hell yeah baby bend over.”
“Bend what? Over.”
Why do women prefer older Gynecologists?
Their hands shake.
What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?
If you think female squirt isn't piss.
Then Urine for a big surprise.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows!
Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!
Come on people!
Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?
It’s fucking in tents.
What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act fetish ?
Giving Han Jobs.
I've developed some really weird fetishes lately.
What have I come to?
Origami porn is in creasing on paper view.
Good- I've just had a threesome.
Bad-It was two guys and a girl.
Ugly-The girl was a blow-up doll.
I never want to have a threesome,
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
I wish you all a great 2017.
I've been having treatment for premature ejaculation.
I'm getting better now, but it was touch and go for a while.
I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.
She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.
15% of women admit to having used vibrators.
The other 85% said they bought them new.
My wife said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.
People needed to learn loyalty from dogs, we learned positions.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.
With just the tip.
There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.
What's the difference between the moon and the female g-spot.
We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon.
A friend of mine opened up a new strip club called the G-Spot. He had to close a week later because most men couldn't find it.
I was a bit upset when I overheard our lass telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.
The wallpapering isn't that bad.
GIRL: why didn’t you tell me you had a small guitar?
BOY: you didn’t inform me I was going to perform in a community hall.
Two elderly ladies were out jogging in the park, a flasher jumped out on them...one lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
She said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her bum.
I guess I should have let the bulb cool first.
I snatch kisses and....
Is the female version of tea bagging called flappuccino???
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi .
What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?
They're on StandBi.
What does a bisexual porn star do at work?
Every girl is bi .
You just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual.
How NOT to start a speech at a sex toy convention...
"It is with great pleasure that I came here today..."
Orgasms are important.
Otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing eachother.
I had a threesome last night. A couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"
The cost of wood is going up, which means Viagra will be more expensive...
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?
I would have been a stripper...
...but I just couldn't pull it off.
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
- She says she likes to watch herself laugh!
The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.
Just joined a fisting club, I'm not into fisting but want to widen the circle of my friends.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me.
Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling.
Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...
I opened a club for premature ejaculators.
It didn't last long.
I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.
Turns out I came too early.
I just told my new girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation...Fair play to her though she took it on the chin.
Woman: I need money to pay some bills.
Man: I'll give you $10,000 for sex the way I like it.
Woman: how do you like it?
Man: on credit.
I saw a ballet themed porn the other day.
It was 'Fucking en Pointe'.
I saw my first porn film last week.
I couldn’t believe how young I looked.
Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.
Sex for introverts is another opportunity to go inside.
"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"
"Of course not, silly!"
"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: "Turn the light off and suck it"?"
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”
Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”
How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?
Can’t unscrew the babysitter.
A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
I pay my rent in sexual favors.
I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.
How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?
One slip of your tongue and you'll wind up in shit.
How does an FBI agent have sex
... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.