Hilarious jokes about MURDER and KILL that will make your day !

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

If you kill a killer, the number of killer remains the same. So the trick is to kill the killer and then kill yourself.
Follow me for more algorithemic solutions.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Mao Zedong banned guns, then he killed 49,000,000 people.

Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT"

Humans: "oh thank god"

Aliens: "wait what?"

I've decided to become an assassin.

I heard they make a killing.

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

When the CIA kills a member of Al-Qaeda, do agents get the day off to mourn the loss of a coworker?

“If you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly you are bad. Morality has aesthetic standards.”

— Nietzsche

Planning kills the magic.

Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add it on our resume.

The old slaves were killed for reading. The new slaves won't read to stay alive.

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus

Historically, disarmament of citizens has almost always led to mass murder or genocide at the hands of corrupt, criminal governments.

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

I killed a female mosquito today. You may imagine how I know it's a female. It was flying close to my pocket.

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.

I've decided to kill off some of the characters in the book I'm writing.
It's really going to spice up my autobiography.

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?
Painkillers are like women..... They know everything.

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Did you hear about the male escort who keeps killing his clients?
They call him Jack the Stripper.

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

So I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

I wouldn’t kill so many house plants if they would just learn to scream for food and water like my kids and pets do.

Did you know how much cocaine
Charlie Sheen used?
It was enough to kill Two and a Half Men!

Applied for a job as a Hitman today. The hours suck, but it has killer benefits.

Kettering's Laws:
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.

Laws of the Frisbee:
The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")

Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:

Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

A man killed his best friend.
He was charged with homiecide.

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?
Because he was killing the dance floor.

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking.

Q: How do you kill an introvert?
A: Starve him to death by putting another person in the kitchen.

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn’t just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.

The Italian responds, “How could I? Those rascals had tied up my hands!”

I don't use much seasoning in the kitchen.
You have to take my cooking skills with a grain of salt...

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

Coffee because murder is exhausting.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

When I kill a bug in my house, I leave the dead body around for a bit to warn the others.

When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Husband hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man say's I will shoot her just below her left tit. Husband replies i want her dead not knee capped.

" You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view — until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Fine, she said.
Murder, she wrote.

I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.

FUN Fact:
You're more likely to be killed by a vending machine related accident than to win the lottery.