Laughing until death do us part.
I don't always commit murder, but when I do, it's usually on the dance floor.
I tried to start a murder mystery dinner club, but nobody wanted to be the victim.
I don't have a criminal record, I have a criminal playlist.
Murder Jokes: Where humor takes a stab at seriousness.
Q: How do you kill an introvert?
A: Starve him to death by putting another person in the kitchen.
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.
After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.
At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn’t just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.
The Italian responds, “How could I? Those rascals had tied up my hands!”
I don't use much seasoning in the kitchen.
You have to take my cooking skills with a grain of salt...
Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.
Coffee because murder is exhausting.
Making light of the darkest subject.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
When I kill a bug in my house, I leave the dead body around for a bit to warn the others.
When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.
Husband hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man say's I will shoot her just below her left tit. Husband replies i want her dead not knee capped.
" You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view — until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Killing the comedy game, one joke at a time.
Fine, she said.
Murder, she wrote.
I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.
FUN Fact:
You're more likely to be killed by a vending machine related accident than to win the lottery.
A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered.
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins.
I love that take out means food, dating, and murder...
and all three if you are a praying mantis...
Killing Jokes: Where the punchline is to die for.
Kill them with kindness.
Bitterness will hurt you more than it will them.
My supervisor decided to fire me because my communication skills were weak. I didn't know what to say!
If you take all of the arteries, veins, and capillaries in a human body and lay them end to end they will extend over 10,000 miles!
Also, it will definitely kill you!
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
Q: Where does a killer whale go for braces?
A: The orca-dontist.
Killing it with twisted laughs.
If you murder your best friend is that considered homiecide?
It takes less muscles to smile than it does to murder someone and bury their body in a remote location.
I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.
How does a nonbinary samurai kill people?
They slash them.
I don't use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact and I don't like the idea of things dying in my mouth.
Murder Jokes: Where laughter is the ultimate weapon.
Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?
Got fired from my job at the bakery today..owner caught me loafing! Its a real killer..Cause I really kneaded the dough!
Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.
someone: so what are your skills?
me: making bad decisions.
Police are hunting a mad woman known as the "knitting needle killer". She's killed 8 people so far. Police think she's following a pattern...
Making light of the deadly serious.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
John wick killed 3 people in a bar with a pencil that he borrowed from chuck Norris.
If I get pushed in the pool this summer, I'm not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge.
Today my boss told me she thinks my written communication skills are better than my verbal communication skills.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
MY WIFE dresses to kill...
and she cooks the same way!
Because life's too short not to laugh at death.
"We are dying from overthinking.
We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything.
Think. Think. Think.
You can never trust the human mind anyway. It's a death trap."
― Sir Anthony Hopkins
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Big Bang Theory was just "Friends" with advanced degrees and fewer social skills...
It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand