Murder Jokes: Killing it with dark humor.

I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.

Big Bang Theory was just "Friends" with advanced degrees and fewer social skills...

It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand

Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

You have to accept who you are... Unless you’re a serial killer!!!

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
- English Proverb

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Road Kill Cafe – you kill ’em, we grill ’em. Leave your order after the beep.

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?
Killed, you get killed!

If you pay someone to kill you… is it murder or suicide ?

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

We were all pretty sad at Grandad's funeral when we were told he was killed by a Tennis Ball.
Still, it was a lovely Service.

Best dating ad ever:
Man with oven and baking skills looking for woman with dough.

My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

I threw some pills and accidentally broke one of my windows.
I didn't realize they're pane killers.

My mate tried to show off his fortune telling skills.
He wasn't that good.
Actually he was medium.

No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.

I asked my wife how good my listening skills were. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I have no idea why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

Breaking News ;Donald Duck was killed .Someone yelled Donald Duck ,he did not.

If you kill a killer, the number of killer remains the same. So the trick is to kill the killer and then kill yourself.
Follow me for more algorithemic solutions.

A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.
The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

Why did the first fishmonger go to hell?
Because he sold his sole to the devil.
Why did the second fishmonger go to hell?
Because he was a sadistic serial killer who raped and tortured his victims.

11.34: Arrived at crime scene
11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken

I smoke weed to get high and for my depression.
I'm killing two birds with one stone.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that's right

It takes patience to listen.
It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Periods help you learn how to get blood off things….
which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught for murder.

Scientists recently discovered a feline-like creature living on Mars! Unfortunately, one of their rovers ran it over…
Curiosity killed the cat.

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die murdered or in a mysterious unexplained accident."

To kill a French vampire you must drive a baguette through its heart...
It may sound easy,
but it's *pain'staking*.