Murder Jokes: Killing it with dark humor.

The psychiatrist’s patient said she could kill for a cup of coffee. His notes reflected: patient has Latte Homicidal Tendencies.

You need at least 1 witness to prove a murder and a minimum of 2 to register a marriage.
So which is more dangerous?

The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.

I'm killing off a couple of characters in the book I'm writing.

It should spice up my auto-biography.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
herself
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on

My mate Col got killed by a cabbage someone threw out an appartment window.Its now a criminal offence. Cols law.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand

What is white, black, and red all over?
A zebra killed by a lion.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

#csi
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken...

We have been married a long time, but we don’t complete each other’s sentences. If she does a murder, she’s doing the whole stretch.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Q: What do you call it when a Chickpea is murdered?
A: Hummuside.

What do you call a group of Killer Whales playing instruments?

An Orca-stra.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

I am called James Bond at work.
0 skills.
0 work ethic.
7 coffeebreaks.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

'You go on ahead. I'll catch you up.' is Agatha Christie for 'I'm going to stay here and get murdered.'.

I hate it when you ask someone if they want sugar in their tea and they say "No. I'm sweet enough,"
and instead of laughing along with them you kill them.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already.

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Whats fuzzy, green, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you and then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Whoever said a little positivity wouldn't kill you...obviously didn't have a negative blood type.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

"Sometimes it's better to kill your words and bury them in your heart than to utter them to unlistening ears."
- Emad Abdul Ghani

A family of chickpeas was killed.
It was a hummuside.

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

Murder for a jar of red rum.

What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye?

A bulldozer!

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder” ?

Birthdays are nice and all, but I think too many can kill you!

A bald guy killed all the barbers in my town.
Boy, that was a hair raising tragedy.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.