Murder Jokes: Killing it with dark humor.

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

How do you kill a troll?
With a firewall spell.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

My neighbour was arrested for killing a black man.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.

I nailed it.

Q: When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
A: Rust in peace!

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

I stepped on a Cornflake... ... ...
Does that mean i'm a cereal killer?

Went bobsleighing last week,

Killed 30 Bob’s.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

A lunatic, a maniac and a serial killer have moved into our neighborhood.
We have changed the name of the street to Psycho Path.

Have you heard about the homicidal maniac who papercuts people to death with terms and conditions documents?
He’s a contract killer.

- Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?
- He had a loco-motive.

I stepped on a cornflake today! So I am a cereal killer now.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

A farmer was on his death bed
He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.

1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$

2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.

3rd son as going to the market met a girl
the girl told him if you give me your duck I will let you make love to me so he did after making love the girl was so happy she told him if he makes love to her again she will give the duck back to him,so he did but after that he got weak, then he proceeded to sell his duck while on the way a car knocked him over and the duck got killed. He got up and cleaned his clothes the car driver apologized to him and gave him 20$ for the dead duck.
All three sons went back to home and father asked them about the duck,

1st son told he sold the duck for 10$,

2nd son told he sold the duck for 15$.

So the father asked the 3rd son,
well 'said the 3rd son'

I got a fuck for a duck

Then I got a duck for a fuck and

I got 20$ for the fucked up duck.

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?
It kills the conversation.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

A General was visiting the troops at the battlefront.
As he walked along the battle line inspecting the soldiers, a sniper bullet whistled overhead.
"What the devil was that?" he roared.
"It's an enemy sniper, Sir", they answered.
"He's been shooting at us for about two weeks.We know exactly where he is."
"Well, why the hell don't you send someone out to kill him?"
"Sir, if we did that, they might replace him with someone who could shoot straight."

my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.

My parking skills are unparalleled.

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapons?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
1. Murderer
2. The police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking.

Did you hear about the wedding photographer who was killed when he was crushed by an enormous block of cheese? To be fair, the entire group of posing guests did try to warn him.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He
responded. "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He
responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives.

Yo momma is like a cigarette, I have her 40 times a day and she's killing me.

Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it.