Laugh Your Pants Off with Underwear Jokes.

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs
The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

I got a brief joke about underwear.

Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at the mall?
He heard boys underwear was half off.

What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
Also uterus: Surprise her.

I'm doing a free Bra give away.
Send me a picture of your tits and I'll see if there's something that fits you.

You don’t need to pay for a bra to get boob support.
There’s plenty of people out there who would volunteer to hold your boobs for free.

What do a push-up bra and a bag of chips have in common?
When you open them, they’re both half empty.

What did the bra say to the hat?
“Go on a head. I’ll give these two a lift.”

My wife called me up to the bedroom earlier, "look what I've found in a cupboard, crotchless panties" she said as she modelled them seductively.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat fucker it was one of my vests !!!

Is it still considered underwear if you don't wear anything over it?

A wife whispered to her husband, "honey, guess what, I'm not wearing any bra and panties today!"
Husband, "ah, that's why your face looks so stretched this afternoon ."

I bought some underwear online, now they want me to take a brief survey.

I used to sell cookware but that didn't pan out. So I sold underwear for a brief time.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Paul McCartney has been asked to improve the Syrian President's skimpy underwear.
Take Assad's thong and make it better.

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says *REEBOK*
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says *NIKE*
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says *AIDS*
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will read *ADIDAS* in a minute."

A young child was looking at The Bible he found in the family bookshelf.
He started reading it from the beginning when all of a sudden an.old pressed leaf fell out from The Bible.
He shouted "Mum, look what I've found?"
His Mum said "what have you found dear?"
He replied in shock "I've found Adam's underwear".

Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he's a "hero".

I do, and I'm "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."

Knowledge is like underwear.
It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Waitress = A stew, Sir?
Western Union = No Wire Unsent
Waitress – a stew, Sir?
Breasts – bra sets
Graduation – out in a drag

-Hey Bill, what the heck why are you wearing those ugly ass granny panties on your head?

-Well, John. I’ve seen a lot of hair growth happening for my wife ever since she started wearing these things.

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.
As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

Tanya lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Tanya says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

The German word for bra is ...

stoppemfrumfloppen.

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

I worked for a posh bra company, i was part of the support team .

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $200. After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on FridayFriday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?"She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' But she says, "Yes, he did give me $200.""Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay it back.

Friends are like panties. Some crawl up your ass, some snap under pressure, some don't have the strength to hold you up, some get a little twisted, some are your favorite, some you can see right thru, some are cheap and just plain nasty and some actually cover your ass when you need them to.

Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.
Just Undo It.

- Why did the man get the windows logo printed onto all his underwear ?
- Because he thought it would make them software.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."