Laugh Your Pants Off with Underwear Jokes.

As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt
"Want some of that?", she winked
"Fuck no!", I replied. "Look what it's done to your knickers!"

The pandemic has closed down so many businesses, it's not funny. But sometimes the only way to deal with it is to look at it in a lighter vein. We mourn the loss of the following businesses:
A local bra shop has gone bust.
A mining company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An aerial installation company has called in the receivers.
A key company has gone into lockdown.
A watchsmith has wound down and called time.
An ice cream shop has had its assets frozen.
A shoe factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
And finally, the dry cleaners and ironing service has run out of steam.

Driving home from the funeral, she realized her panties had disappeared. She suspects it was the undertaker.

A woman goes to the dentist and wait her turn. The dentist calls her in and she takes off her underwear and sits down and puts her legs up. The dentist says I’m sorry but I’m not a gynecologist and the woman says I know but I need you to take my husband’s teeth out.

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?".

After sex dudes always ask did you cum?
Yeah bitch to the wrong house...pass me my damn panties.

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman is leery, but she hears him out.

"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."

Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.

After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.

On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.

A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.

"Excuse me," he says "but do you happen to be a patient of Dr. Kaufman's?"

"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"

The man proceeds to preform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanted "hickory, dickory, dock!..."

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR .. it's SHOWTIME!!!

What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on a head I'll give these two a lift. 👒

По реке плывет топор
Из села Чугуева,
Hу и пусть себе плывет
Железяка х@ева…
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself-
Fucking piece of iron!!!

Я лежала с Коленькой
Cовершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы
Я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey
Absоlutely naked,
I have taken my panties off
Just to make a statement.

Рыбка плавает в томате,
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp
Have no fucking place to swim.

С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet’s fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend»s briefs,
I don»t mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.

По деревне мы идём
Всем подарки раздаём
Кому сына, кому дочь
Чтобы Родине помочь
Two of us — me and my buddy
Giving gifts to everybody
You get daughter, you get son
Patriotic duty’s done.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.