NSFW Jokes: Embrace the Irreverent and Unapologetic Side of Humor.

What did the penis say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away.

Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
“It’s all good in the hood!”

Did you hear about the man who got turned into a giant penis?
He was a real dick about it.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her b-shells!

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Are you a trampoline?

Because I want to bounce on you.

My manhood is only six inches, but it smells like a foot.

In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?

Neither, they eat out.

Lick me until ice cream.

Before we got married, my wife promised me that she would be good in bed.
Admittedly, she can sleep very well.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other:

I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

Do you know why a witch never wears panties?

More grip on the broom.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?

You don’t know? You sick weirdo.

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They are both stuck up cunts.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

About three inches.

Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long?

They couldn’t close his casket.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?

She gagged.

What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.”

Wife: “As opposed to what?”

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

- What’s the difference between love and herpes?
- Love doesn’t last forever.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.”
I thought: Which is it?

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam!

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.