NSFW Jokes: Embrace the Irreverent and Unapologetic Side of Humor.

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

"Excuse me," I said to the girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

Research suggests that 10% of men pay for sex

The other 90% just don't realize that they pay for sex.

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

ADULTING is learning spitting in yo partners mouth is APART OF SEX .

I hate when girls try to kiss me during sèx.
i got a girlfriend. Chill.

I got fired for not embracing diversity enough.
Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,
wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

Everyone is a fan of the 69 position but I prefer the 68.
That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

How to respond when someone asks if you want to 69 ?
I’m down if you’re down.

Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?
When she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.
The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till i realized it is a family buisness.
#incestjoke

Some people think incest jokes are funny. I just think it’s all relative.

When your crush walks in class but youre homeschooled…
#incest

What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac?
You don't have to bring the flowers.

A couple of necrophiliacs were walking around town. One of them saw a morgue and said:
"Hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

Digging stuff up is too hard.
Guess Necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring...

Premature ejaculator:
Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in
...finally.

You can't call a short man an "ankle biter" at work

I've learned this now.

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.
Cum to know more.

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...
I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk.
I call it an ejaculatte.

A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.
"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

Why are virgins so chill?
Zero fucks given.

During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.
He said that he had nun.

What can you say both at an orgy and while apologizing?
I think we got off on the wrong foot.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?
Thank everyone for coming!

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

They say makeup sex is the best, but I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

What do you call an unsolicited vagina pic?
An ambush.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?
If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.