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Sex in your 30's: tri-weekly
Sex in your 40's: try weekly
Sex in your 50's: try weakly

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

A company was downsizing and the HR Manager had to decide whether to retain Wendy or Jack. He first spoke to Jack and then called Wendy. He said, " I got a problem here Wendy, I either got to lay you or Jack off." Wendy burst out of the room screaming, "you better play with yourself buster 'cos I gotta headache!!!".

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Why do we change position, when its still the same hole???
.
.
.
Seriously, I don't understand golf!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

A couple of weeks ago I noticed my credit card was missing.
I finally tracked it down yesterday. The kids next door stole it to pay for their mums boob job……
Just wait till I get my hands on them!!

The Fourth grade school teacher asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then work for the CIA and establish contacts so as to become a billionaire smuggling guns and drugs, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

My mate Dave went on a blind date last weekend.
"Do you have any hobbies?" he asked her
"I love yoga," she smiled.
"Me too!" said Dave. "Can you give yourself oral sex?"
"No" she replied. "Can you do it?"
Dave said, "Ok then, take your knickers off!"

Q. Whats 72?
A. 69 with three people watching.

Married women shouldn't keep their husbands in the doghouse too often or they might give their bones to the woman next door !

Someone asked me why that one brand of eggs is called Happy, and I said maybe because they just got laid.

My wife likes vibrators. Dont know if they're her favourite but, they're certainly up there.

What cums after sex?
My wife.

" it's a boy, it's a boy " man came out shouting from room..

After that he never went back to ThaiLand again..!!!!

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

My grandad used to enjoy sex at 97.

He lived at 93, so it wasn't too far for him to walk home.!!

The sexual position formerly known as 69, is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up...

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends and lovers before me.!
She always calls me her sixty second lover.!!

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

My new Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. !!
Its great, because she fetches my newspaper and slippers afterwards.!!

Lately I'm jogging wearing flip flops, just because I miss the sound of having sex.

I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to nookie...
As I stripped off I said to her: "You must have seen a few dicks where you work?
how do you rate mine?"
She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most i see."
I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"
"I'm a Midwife." she says!!

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... It makes the girlfriend look like she's moving during sex !!

How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.

I almost had a threesome tonight, all I needed was two more people.!!!!!

People say work hard, play hard but I can’t maintain an erection for that long.

How do you cancel an appointment with a Sperm Bank?
It's easy... You just tell them you can't come!

Don't you hate it when the doctor's checking your prostate, and you realise both his hands are on your shoulders ?

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

My girlfriend asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

My reply of "Don't worry love, your tits cover it" didn't go down too well !!

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

My girlfriends boobies be in the seat belt like%

A man is like a shoelace.
He has to go through many holes
before he ties the knot.

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

Grand father talking with his grandson and says.
Son don't ever marry a woman with big hands.
The boy says,why grandpa?
Grandpa says, well son if she has big hands it will make your dick look small...