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I met a woman in a bar and took her home. We started getting busy and I think she wanted me to fuck her in the ear. Every time I tried to stick it in her mouth, she kept turning her head.

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed..
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them!!!

If a person that speaks sign language gives you a hand job would it be considered a blow job?

When King Arthur was off looking for the Holy Grail, he had Guinevere fitted with a chastity belt with a small guillotine on it to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away. When he returns he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still with a cock is Lancelot. "Lancelot" he says, "You alone can I trust faithful friend. What shall we do with these traitors? Come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue?"

Two women are talking. One lady asks the other, "How did you meet your husband?" "I'm a pharmacist" she replies. "He came into the store to buy condoms and asked for XXXXXL" "Only after I married him did I realize that he stutters"

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.!!

Nice butts takes my breath away
I'm assmatic.

If sex with three people is a threesome and sex with four people is a foursome, now you know why everybody calls you handsome!

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

The reason males masturbate more than females is because female masturbation is more sophisticated. While male masturbation is manual, female masturbation is digital.

I just bumped into my sexy neighbour.
She said, "How's your little one, getting big I expect?"I said, "Yep, it sure is bulging, it must be the tight tops and short denim skirt your wearing"

"1-2-3! Here I come ready or not!".
"You're the worst lover ever" moaned my girlfriend "You could at least try and wait til I'm undressed"

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?"
The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!

The young couple next door to me are making a sex tape , only they don't know it yet.

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...
The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.!!

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Hubby: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean??
Hubby: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: Thats awesome if you do that... I will be like Mary.
Hubby: What do you mean??
Wife: Show up pregnant without being touched by my hubby.
Hubby stayed home all Weekend.

God is talking to Adam and Eve one day during the Creation. "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam raises his hand and yells, "Me, me, pick me!" So God obliges .
God looks at Eve and says : "Well sorry Eve . . . but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

My wife whispered in my ear today that she wasn't wearing any undies. Oh boy, now she's already growing forgetful.

A man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick out onto the counter. The woman behind the counter yells, “What the hell are you doing?!” He says, “This a clock shop isn’t it?” She says, “Yes.” So he says, “Well I want two hands and a face on this.”

The most jerk offs ever done in a day was 52 times.
Don't bother trying it. It's hard to beat.

Preacher marries a chorus girl. On ther wedding night he asks "Am I the first man to sleep with you?" She replies "If you fall asleep, yes."

He drops his trousers and asks "have you seen one of these before?" She shakes her head. "This my penis".

"It looks a bit like a cock, but much smaller."

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

Whats 72?
69 with three people watching.

"Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere."

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Sad how some guys be willing to eat your ass but not willing to take your ass to eat.

Son : "Dad, what is a clitoris?"

Dad : "You should have asked me last night, son.... I had the answer on the tip of my tongue!"

My wife told me that Vacation sex is the best sex......
Not gonna lie, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

I just joined the Viagra Club and I’m already a member in good standing.

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...
...so I just came in my pants.

Guy walks into a bar waving a pistol in the air shouting I have a colt 45 extended barrel with 7 rounds and 1 in the chamber now who has been sleeping with my wife? A voice from the back shouts you need more ammo mate.