Adult Jokes Galore: Laugh Away with Our Premium Collection.

Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other,
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go in the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I undress in the bathroom. I do everything I can think of, but my wife still yells at me for staying out so late."
The friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's ass and say loudly, 'WHO WANTS TO GET LAID?' She always pretends to be asleep.

"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the chemist.

"A small box?" he asked.

"I hope so!"

Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?
I've tried fucking everything!

I just got fired from the pickle factory for sticking my finger in the pickle slicer....
Well she got fired too.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop... and nobody came.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed...
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence!

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy.
1 is alcohol.
Rest is 69.

The seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy. When happy got out they started to feeling grumpy.

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

Group sex with dwarves is a small perversion.

The wife asked me what’s best thing about a blow job?

I replied, the five minutes of silence!

My german girl friend used to rate me in bed on a scale of 1 to 10. I never got close to 10 except when i tried anal. She kept on shouting. Ohh nine nine nine.

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

Foreplay requires a lot of beating about the Bush.

My wife has an identical twin sister that I've met once and only once...

I came home early one day when she was visiting and fucking some guy on my settee, but I've never seen her again since then!

Went to the doctor's and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can"

I said "I think my cock tastes funny!"

My friend cancelled his appointment at the sperm bank. He called them and said he can't cum.

While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body, but men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.

I went into a florist and said, "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"

I said, "Anal!"

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for having sex with a giraffe...

He said the other six put him up to it!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

Only certain professionals can get away saying these:
👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
👔Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
👮Police: "You don't need protection."
🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!

Say YES to MASKS,
NO to BRA'S.
FREE THE TITTIES.
PROTECT THE CITIES!

My husband thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I Suppose.

If your wondering what it's like to have a willy... It can be really hard sometimes.

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He asks, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

The researcher then asks, “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

The woman says, “We use it for love making.”

The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for making love. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for love making?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

I'm very attracted to the lady that sells apples.
I really want to be
In cider.

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

Tanya lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Tanya says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

2 drunks go to a brothel. The Madam takes a look, and says to manager "put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, the guys are too drunk to notice". On the walk home one guy says " I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made sound". The second guy says " I think mine was a witch." "Why you think that?" "well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the freaking window!"

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

Sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for Self-Service" !!!!!

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10." The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction.

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $200. After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on FridayFriday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?"She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' But she says, "Yes, he did give me $200.""Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay it back.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face! 😂