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Juicy Proverbs
● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.
● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.
● Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks
● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
● Here is the definition of divorce, she gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
● Confucius say man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.
● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Having sex with an uneducated girl, using a condom, is okay until you overhear her sharing the experience with her friend saying, "His penis is brand new, the plastic cover is still on it."

Bloke goes into drug store and asks, "Do you sell KY Jelly?"
Girl says, "No, have you tried Boots?"
Bloke says, "Boots? I want to slide in, not fuckin march in!"....

A Man Burst Into A Bar With A Gun, And Yells .. Who"s the guy Sleeping with my Sister!.. A Voice in The Back Yells You aint got enough bullets!!! 😁

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A shaved pussy is a busy pussy. Don't let these girls fool you. You will never see grass on a busy road.

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth ?!
EINSTEINS COCK !!!!!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his house. The man says I have never had a 69 before. The hooker says okay lets try that. they get into position and she farts. the hooker says o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me. she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she comes out and gets into position and again she farts. she says sorry i don/t know whats gotten into me.let me go freshen up . she gets into position again and she farts she says sorry let me go freshen up. The man says don't worry i don't want 67 more of those.

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"

The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"

The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."

Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it."

The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."

The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and
suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft cunt , its a trap!!''

His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?''
Husband replies
"Our wedding video"

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen, she rushes over,and gives him the best blow job of his life.Afterwards he says, "We haven't had sex for 6months,and suddenly this...Why?..She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fuckin' mop out again!!"

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...
She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard"...
He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door...
She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upsid down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house...
She yells, "Where are you going"...?
He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer"...?

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
After a few minutes the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:
'Man seeks woman to date.'
He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"
Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

Man : “doctor, can you fix my arsehole, it’s the size of a dinner plate”
Doctor : “ how did it get like that ?”.
Man : “ I got raped by an elephant whilst on a safari”.
Doctor “ but elephants Penises are long with a small girth”.
Man : “ yes I know, the bastard fingered me first”.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.. just when it's raining.'

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Two women sat in the cinema, one turns to the other and whispers "this bloke sat next to me is having a wank", her friend says "omg, let's move seats", her friend says "I can't, he's using my hand"!

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

A girl asks her mom, "What's a blowjob?"
The mom replies, "Fifty bucks".

A man in bed with a woman notices her shaved pu**y
He asked: "why no hair?
She replied: u came to fuck or comb?

A married man and his secretary were having a afair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Not knowing why, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

I'm always making jokes about buttsex to my wife.
She just thinks I'm trying to be a pain in the ass.

Wife: Honey the vacuum isn't sucking.
Husband: Frustrating isn't it ?

Two cowboys talking about sex one says " what's your favorite position " 1st one says rodeo position" 2nd one says never heard of that what is it " well you get the wife to get down on all fours mount her from behind reach round and cup her tits and whisper these feel almost like your sisters then try and hold on for 30seconds.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"