Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

They say makeup sex is the best, but I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs.
I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization.

The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act fetish ?
Giving Han Jobs.

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.

I wish you all a great 2017.

I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.
She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

What do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?
Wedding cake.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.

Man wakes wife up and asks, Would u like a coffee or would u prefer sex?
Wife replies, I'm not fussed either way, its gonna be instant.

I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.

What does the Geographer do during sex?
He's looking for the coordinates of spot G.

What do you call a sex scene between two trans people?

Transaction.

Sex before marriage is considered a sin…
After marriage a miracle!

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

I took a course on sexual harassment last week.
it went well, I think Im gonna be good at it...

I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

My gf says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Husband: When I die, I want to die having sex.
Wife: At least it will be quick.

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.
I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi .

What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?
They're on StandBi.

What does a bisexual porn star do at work?
Fuck all.

Q:What do a double hinged gate and a bisexual have in common?
A:They swing both ways.

Every girl is bi .
You just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual.

I told my boyfriend I was bisexual....
He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bisexual?
Cuz he swings both ways.

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?
A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.