Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

How NOT to start a speech at a sex toy convention...
"It is with great pleasure that I came here today..."

My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

Tha average Canadian man has sex 2-3 times a week whereas the average Japanese man has sex 2-3 times a year, which is pretty alarming because i didn't even know i was Japanese.

I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy.
Just like my four fathers did.

If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?
Monotony.

I tried to give myself a sex change, but couldn't quite pull it off.

Went for a job as network engineer. Working for a company that tracked sex offenders. They asked, 'What is a VPN?'. With hindsight visible panty nickers was not a good answer.

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...

I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection my leg, and half my arse.

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
- She says she likes to watch herself laugh!

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

My favorite sex position is crying alone in the bathroom.

My wife wanted to disgrace me in front of her parents that I'm not good in sex.
But her sister shouted
" It's A Lie ".

Woman: I need money to pay some bills.
Man: I'll give you $10,000 for sex the way I like it.
Woman: how do you like it?
Man: on credit.

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.

Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.

Sex for introverts is another opportunity to go inside.

You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.

I pay my rent in sexual favors.
I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?
One slip of your tongue and you'll wind up in shit.

How does an FBI agent have sex
... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.

Why are Mafia members so good at sex?
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

Reddit karma is a lot like sex
I don't get it.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

Why don’t the EasterBunny make noise, during sex?…

Cotton balls.

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!

My daughter just revealed to me she's transexual... I guess that makes me transparent.

I sat in my haircutters chair and said “make me look sexy “.

She started drinking.

My New Years resolution is to give up sexual innuendos.
Which is going to be extremely hard.

I had sex once and once was enough.
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?

Kinda sexy how you put the cuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: the fuck is wrong with you.

Sex before marriage is a sin so always do it doggy style because all dogs go to heaven.
*Follow me for more loopholes on getting into Heaven.

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

I can't tell if the vegetarians next door are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

A friend was complaining his wife never wanted to have sex anymore...l told him if your wife can't be your right hand let your right hand be your wife...

It's been so long since I've had sex, I forget who's supposed to get tied up.

FUN Fact:
Female ferrets can die if they don't have enough sex.

Why are rabbits silent when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls!

I’m not a morning person unless you want morning sex.