Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

Before I was married my girlfriend told me, " Don't even talk to me about sex before we are married." After I married her, she said " Okay, You now can talk about it. All you want. You're not getting any! :"

I texted my ex the other day to tell her I still think about her during sex because it keeps me from climaxing!

My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.

History is a bit sexist…

…I mean, we should be learning about herstory too.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...

Sex over 40 can be exciting

You never know whether it's an orgasm, a stroke or just a cramp.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Is sex with me the best in the world? No. Will you be embarrassed about it tomorrow? Probably. Will you get a handwritten thank you note the next day? Most definitely.

[Sex Shop]

Me: *holding 37 dildos*

Shopkeeper: may I help you?

Me: where are the fitting rooms?

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

- Jajaja, mira Paco, pone aquí en el periódico que la falta de sexo produce sordera.
- Las cinco menos cuarto.

My sex tape consists of the duct tape I use to keep my vibrator together.

Me: I stand here staring into the great abyss with fear and trepidation wondering about…..

My wife: we having sex or what?

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

You won't have to pee after sex if you pee during it.

Soy dinerosexual.

-Hola, ¿Sexo telefónico?
-No, esto es la agencis tributaria, pero también podemos joderte.

Bad sex is like bad pizza or bad beer...if you can actually finish it, it's not THAT bad.

Tips for great sex.
Eat a good meal before during and after sex.

Wife got all dressed up and said:
Tonight I'm going to give you super sex.
I said: I'll have the soup!

Had make up sex with my girlfriend. I make up scenarios and she says no.

My wife bites her lip to look sexy……….

I just don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom lip.

FUN Fact:
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world, it is ten times more effective than Valium.

How come I never came first in sports at School, but now it happens every time during sex?

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

I prefer sex with the lights on. It just makes it easier to see in the neighbors window.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean onе thing... It’s laundry day.

Married sex is like laundry and I’m not doing either this week.

My wife always satisfies me during sex by not being there.

At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me: “That’s not true! I do enjoy sex!”

Then, turning to the counsellor, she said: “But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

Nobody does the edgy sex goddess act better than bored housewives on the internet.

Men are the weaker sex.
They have no boobs to flaunt.

FUN Fact:
Some penguins are prostitutes – Offering sex in exchange for pebbles.

I'm having some hot sex today.
And by sex I mean coffee....
It's still hot.

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

Just finished reading a book on sexual disorders, It had a surprising Climax.

So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts.

I used to have a girlfriend whose safe word during sex was "flower," but she kept saying "flour."