Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

Good sex is essential for a happy marriage but a marriage isn't essential for good sex.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

Everyone talks about how good car sex is.

At my age I can barely handle sex with a person, much less a car.

If you haven’t had sex in a long time, that’s called mourning wood.

Sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests.

I'd talk to my wife more during sex if I were better at dialing the phone with one hand.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Stove Top stuffing does NOT mean sex in the kitchen. I know that now.

My wife wants me to slap her arse when we have sex.

She said it will stop her falling asleep!

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

Y’all better not ask Santa for someone sexy because i can’t be with everyone at once.

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Guy: is my penis sexy?

Me: can I choose dare?

I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex...I was just thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant!

*Sexting over walkie talkies*
“Hell yeah baby bend over.”
“Bend what? Over.”

Casual sex implies the existence of competitive tournament sex.

It's not premarital sex if you don't get married.
Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

I don't usually have sex on dates, but when I do they are dry.

- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
- Bus shelters.

Me: *sexy voice* I’ve got my grey sweatpants on

Wife: You know I’ve already seen you naked, right?

Me: Oh right. Married

Wife: And put that cucumber back in the fridge.

If Elton John were a small garden statuette he would be a gnomosexual

I was recently accused of posting a long series of messages about I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and other songs, but I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

Biology Professor says, ''There are 8 sexually transmitted diseases...........
You will get atleast one in the practicals..

Sex in your 30's: tri-weekly
Sex in your 40's: try weekly
Sex in your 50's: try weakly

Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.
After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from.
the man answers "toronto"
. the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from
. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

Mi fantasía sexual es tener sexo.

My mate Dave went on a blind date last weekend.
"Do you have any hobbies?" he asked her
"I love yoga," she smiled.
"Me too!" said Dave. "Can you give yourself oral sex?"
"No" she replied. "Can you do it?"
Dave said, "Ok then, take your knickers off!"

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.